A new year

It's 9.56pm 30th December 2010.

Tomorrow is the last day of twenty ten, the day after, a new year, a blank page in history; who will be here to see the year through, who will begin in 2011?

I want tomorrow to come and yet I don't; I feel trepidation, what will twenty eleven mean for me? Nothing is a given; nothing is for sure; nothing is for certain. I don't like that; I don't like not having some control over where I am going, what I am doing. I like to have plans, dreams, hopes, may-be's should be's will be's can be's and hopefullies.

So what do I know? I know that for the first time in 47 years I will be alone on New Years Eve; not a tragedy. I know that for the first time in 47 years I will not be kissed on New Years Eve, and for the first time in 8 years I will start the new year without your touch; not a tragedy. I know that I have to work tomorrow night; no great tragedy and that when I come home the same pile of clothes that are sitting on the couch waiting to be folded right now, will be waiting for me tomorrow night as well. I know that my biggest baby will be 21 years old and I know that I wish that his Nanny and Nanu were here to see it. I know that I am sad that my two boys do not wish to have anything to do with their father and I know that I am pissed off that my children's father does not want to be part of his three beautiful children's life. I know that I am financially secure, in relatively good health and doing a job that I love. But I also know that I have not been happy for a long time, since...............the date I know but won't make public. I know that I have some very special friends, one in particular, but a group who have listened to me bare my soul to them about my life and yet not make one judgement to me about what I should have, could have done. I know I have two major regrets in my life; one considering the situation of a twelve year old, and not going with my gut and buggering everyone else and doing what I wanted to do instead of considering other's feelings.

Twenty eleven, I know what I hope will happen, I know there are things that I would like to do, like time away and catching up with old new friends, and finding me, and finding love and finding strength and finding me, whoever me is, because quite frankly I'm not sure I know who I am. Now that is a bold statement...........don't you love that word BOLD? I'm sitting here saying it over and over in my head "bold.....bold....bold...." It sort of means that you know, no hesitations, guts, strength, carefree, be damned, forging ahead.

But will it happen? I know we are not born with guarantees, and whenever something has happened I have never said 'Why me?' but rather 'Why not me?' because I believe that those that say 'Why me?' when something happens, believe that they are in a protected position and rage against the Gods and the ethos of the world as to why these things happen to them. But what makes them so special that they get guarantees in life?

However I transgress.

I have been giving a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks as to what a new year means to me, what I want to happen, what I want to achieve. I have to try and shut the voices off in my head that are telling me the bad things; they are, however very noises bastards and are very good at over taking the good voices. Damn you pain and sadness, pack up your kit bags and piss off and let me finally have the peace and happiness that I believe I deserve. Once bitten, twice shy. Or rather twice bitten and can I go back there again? It's raw, red raw, and I never thought I would react like this, be like this, cry like this, rage like this, wonder like this, hope like this, be angry like this.

And so, I have realised that I can't plan what will be, but rather I will continue to take one step at a time, one minute at a time if I have to. I know because of death, that the pain of this loss, will fade in time, and yet I am scared that if I don't have this pain, then it never really existed, it wasn't real and I am so scared of it not being real. Again I digress. I know what I would like to happen, and I will do whatever I can to make THAT happen, but I know that I am vulnerable enough, sad enough, lacking faith enough to know that I also can not push myself to achieve. And so my list for 2011 is to find me, find happy, find companionship, find love, find Gaia, find old friends, find time for friends, but most of all find peace.

THIS IS SO HARD

Trying to be who I need to be, wanting to be who I am not, being who I don't know I am

I know it's ridiculous but............................

Earlier this year, I had a bit of a clean up in my bedroom. As I had been alone for many years, my things had migrated to take over all the drawers and wardrobe space that had been left by the vacating party. I was at a point in my life where I was considering a big change, and that change necessitated cleaning up my shit and leaving some empty drawer space and wardrobe space; and that is all I will say on the subject except to say that I opened one of the empty drawers today and burst into tears. Ridiculous I know, but there you have it, a lost dream, comes back and packs a punch.

As I was going along my merry way this morning, re introducing my bedroom furniture to the feather duster (long lost loves that had fallen along the way side, but a chance meeting and a sensual glide has brought them back to happiness again ;-) and I realised that my favorite perfume had finished. It had been given to me as a Christmas present by someone special and I always wore it behind my ears and down my neck............Well you can guess why I am sure. I opened the bottle and tried to get one last squirt out...............................yep, there was one last squirt and again I burst into tears.

WTF!!!!!!! I am almost 50 and I am behaving like a 15 year old. I guess I have learnt that one cannot control one's heart no matter how hard you try.

THE GREAT BIG KARMA BUS

It came on it's way finally.................woooohoooo, it's the same karma that you wanted to bite me on the arse, well, that's the funny thing about KARMA, it's like a scorpion baby hahahahahaha

LOVE IS TRUE FRIENDSHIP SET ON FIRE

Because I need to remember and process the no longer, because this day you loved me, because this day you gave me a ring of commitment, because I need to say goodbye

MY BUCKET LIST

I am coming to the time in my life where I have three almost independent wonderful children, all making their own way into the world, and now after all the hard yards, the plans I have put into place so that I can commence my life are starting to come to fruition. I thought I would be sharing many of these with a significant other, but the fact that I no longer have a S.O., does not mean that my plans stop. They will continue, and so, here is my current bucket list, which I reserve the right to add to, or delete from along the way :-)

1. Gaia Resort
2. Catch up with Helen
3. Neil Diamond Concert
4. European trip for 50th birthday including Las Vegas-couple of shows, New York
Cooking class in a Tuscan Villa, Ireland and South Vietnam
5. Trip to Cairns
6. Darwin
7. Photography course
8. South Australian Wineries
9. Hot air balloon
10. Cooking course
11. Melbourne Zoo
12. A retreat in the country
13. Scrapbooking retreats
14. Nude modelling for art class
15. Be an extra in a tv show
16. Loose weight
17. Continue learning more about my nursing
18. Having afternoon tea at Miss Marples
19. Go on Puffing Billy
20. Read all the books I have bought, but not read yet
21. Learn Yoga
22. Learn Tai Chi
23. Meet the naked man in my bed waiting for me with chocolate and wine (lol)
24. Go to the movies at least once a month
25. Find my chi
26. Go to Norfolk Island
27. Go to Launceston
28. Eat at a new restaurant bistro once a month
29. Picnics
20. Antique Fair in Castlemaine

To be continued

Thought of a few more

21. To love and be loved
22. Visit Perth
23. Volunteer with a health organisation in Africa
24. Find a faith
25. Catch up with old friends
26. Become a Nana (not yet)
27. Be a mother of the bride
28. Be a mother of the groom
29. Go to New Zealand
30. Go to the snow
31. Go in the jetboats in NZ
32. Go to Marlborough in NZ (Yummy yummy wine)
33. Go to French Island and eat my self stupid on their yummy beef and cheese

To be continued................

OK SO YOU'RE NOT.............

http://www.linkedin.com/in/raymondedwardlee


Ok so you're too sick to get a job in Australia, or so you tell the Australian Government, so you claim Newstart Payments, even though you are living with your employed wife, you tell another department of the Australian Government that you are not working, so you only need to pay $28 a month to support your son, and take great pride in the fact that you have never missed one of those payments and you are in credit for those, and yet here is a link to your wonderful job in Saudi Arabia.........hmmmmm I am a little confused oh great one

TOO FORGIVING

I have come to realise that I am too forgiving for my own good.

My whole life I have lived the adage that life is too short to hold grudges, so I have moved on and forgiven; and now I realise that this has been to MY detriment.

I truly believe that life is too short to hold grudges, oh I have remembered the things that people have done, but being gullible, I believed the words that came out of their mouths and forgave and wrapped my arms around them and moved on as if nothing had happened. Went back to life as it was as if, as if there hadn't been a scratch against my soul; but there was a scratch, and sometimes there was a gash, and most times the other person doesn't realise they have left their mark.

My capacity for forgiveness, to always see the good in people can be an asset, it allows people a chance to rectify and change, however my capacity for forgiveness is also a deficit, and that deficit is to me. I have, over the years, had several reasons to hate someone, to seek revenge on them, to pay back and hurt as much as they hurt me, but I didn't, and that has backfired on me hugely. I am not a vengeful person, I never have been. Oh I have layed in bed late and night coming up with little plans of getting back at someone, but I have never put those into place, I couldn't really be bothered, I couldn't really give them the satisfaction. However, over the last couple of months, my hurt has been so great that I have become someone, I don't recognise and have said many things to lash out and hurt, those things have scratched at souls too, however others capacity for forgiveness isn't the same as mine and so where does that leave me?

That leaves me with wondering why I am so forgiving. Oh I have my ideas, and the pages of my past have something to do with that, but a lot of what we do, a lot of what we say comes upon us subconsciously, and we are not even aware that the pages of our past are having an impact on the pages of our present and our future.

I try to be fair, I look at things from both sides of the coin, that has been my undoing at times as well. I can understand why someone does what they do, I can see a reason why someone may react in a certain way, and forgive them, but I also expect people to treat me in the same way and to the same standard that I expect and treat them. We are humans, with failings, sometimes many failings, and sometimes we love those people even more to show them that they are worth it, but then, they think that they can run with that gift, they think it becomes an entitlement, and drop the ball and forget, interactions between people, interactions between parents and children, brothers and sisters, men and women, men and men and women and women, needs both parties to maintain that relationship.

In the last couple of months, particularly, I have raged; I have raged like I have never raged before. I have yelled and screamed and yelled and screamed and cried and cried and cried until I have no energy left, and I am a messy pile on the floor, tired, exhausted, spent, with my beautiful little dog laying next to me, because, and it is a cliche, dogs love you no matter what. I have realised that I have a ball anger sitting in the pit of my stomach, the result of many things, but none the less it is there, burning and eating away at me, causing me to react in ways I never thought I would. It has probably changed my capacity for understanding, for forgiveness, for change, for happiness, but that ball has been one of my constant companions.

I have been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is taking me some time to get through it because it touches my soul, Elizabeth has been inside my heart and my soul. This is one of the passages that touched me:
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy..........They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me. Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now.....................They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite, but relentless and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be be happy that I know of..............It's not fair for you to come here, I tell Depression...........But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."

I forgave you the scratches, I forgave you the slashes, but when I told you about them, your scratches and slashes were bigger than mine, your capacity for forgiveness was not the same as mine and Loneliness and Depression are now friends of forgiveness.

I NEED A HERO

I need a hero! I need someone who will stand up next to me and catch me whilst I am falling. I need my hero to come and wrap their arms around me and hold me up to face all the stuff I am facing. I need them to fly up and catch me as I fall from that 300 story building. I need them to put up the dome of protection, around me, to stop, just for a while, the barrage that seems to be my every day companion. I need for my hero to shoot out webs of steal to hold back the pain and misery I am going through. I need my hero to tell me that it's going to be ok, that I am going to be ok and hold me gently so I can cry and feel safe. I don't feel safe. I have no safety net at the moment, I used to always know there was a safety net for me, something that helped me to cope with whatever life was throwing at me, and I have coped with many things, but I am not coping now; that's why I need a hero and yet as I read this, I am angry with myself for not being able to cope, for letting all of this and then some eat away and attack my very soul and being. I hate being this pathetic person, I hate who I am, I hate that I am so sad and angry and frustrated; but none the less, I need a Hero. Mum, Dad, I am trying to be the strong independent woman that you raised, I am trying to be like you in the tough times, but I'm failing miserably. I feel like I am letting you down; but none the less I need a hero.

Not taking it lying down

I am not going to take any more of your bullshit. I am not going to let you tell others lies about me, or fabricate things to make me look bad. I have had to put up with you telling lies about me for years, lies that you thought would never get back to me, but you have to have a good memory to be a good liar, because you need to remember every lie you ever told.

I have sat and allowed you to lie to your friends that I refused to allow you to have access to our children; LIE, shall we go into the real reason? You have lied about Shaun to the authorities, and questioned his integrity with our children. You could have even made it difficult for him to have access to his own children, but you couldn't care less about that, it was just about your ego and payback. You lied to our children telling them that if he moved in, they would get nothing when I died; you set up negative feelings in Elliott about Shaun, happy that it not only caused grief between Elliott and Shaun but grief for me.

You have allowed the mother of your children to be called a gutter whore, but that is nothing compared to what you have said about me and what you would like to happen to me involving me in a gutter and men wanking.

You forced a situation to happen, that caused no amount of grief for our children and myself, when you wanted to get married and wanted 'the clan' to be together for the occasion. All the decisions you have made have been about what is best for you with no consideration for others and now the consequences are happening. You went to the Police and lied to them about closing the case, just to protect others and none of them were your own, your own that you had the only obligation to protect.

Well let me tell you something, publicly, if you work, regardless of what country you work in, Rhyss, Rhyarna and Elliott are still your children and you still have a responsibility towards financially supporting them. You can lie to whoever you like about your employment, you can lie to your friends about me, just to make yourself feel better, but here it is in the BLACK AND WHITE that you are so fond of:-

I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL PUNCHING BAG, NOR AM I A PUNCHING BAG FOR THAT FLEA YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE A BED WITH; I AM ENTITLED TO HAVE OUR CHILDREN FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED UNTIL THEY ARE 18 YEARS OF AGE; I DO NOT GIVE TWO FLYING FUCKS WHAT THE PURPLE GODDESS HAS TO SAY ABOUT ME IN HER BLOG, BECAUSE IT IS ALL LIES, AND A WARPED SENSE OF REALITY; AND FOR THE RECORD EBAY BABY, MY SUBURB IS IN THE NORTH, NOT THE WEST, SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO HURL INSULTS GET THEM RIGHT.

An intense Sadness`

How to shut off a mind and a heart. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am sad and melancholy and lost all my strength. Where are you?

Can I now move on?

I finally heard the words that I have half been expecting, but that didn't make it any easier.

When you receive confirmation of what you have feared, what you have believed in your heart for a long time, the reaction is not less, the pain is no less painful, you can physically feel your heart stop beating, you can hear the blood rushing through your ears, deafening you to what you have just heard and don't want to hear again. The hairs on your skin stand simultaneously upright, causing physical pain, your breathing begins to go fast and then you feel that you are not breathing at all and that your lungs are going to explode out of your chest. A myriad of memories rush through your brain, into your third eye where you see all the times that you hold dear, and this is all within a nano second of hearing the words.

And where do you go from there? I don't know where I am at the moment, I can't tell you, some sort of limbo world between pain and disbelief. And now I am on another journey, and I don't have a Melways for this one.

Fuck this rollercoaster I want to get off!

My life is a roller coaster and I want.............I need to get off.

Yesterday I was so happy, so high on the fact that I had really achieved what I wanted and tonight I have bottomed out big time.

The sperm donor is going overseas tomorrow, apparently FOREVER. I learned today that, after 8 months of no contact, my youngest saw his father today. Now it's not that I have an issue with him seeing S.D., regardless of what he has done, he is still their father and they need to make those decisions themselves and whether I like it or not, I support those decisions.

However, and this is completely selfish of me I know, but how come he can be forgiven and I pay every day? I love all my children equally, but he was my baby and the one that I spent the most time alone with. We had a wonderful relationship, we would sit for hours watching Mary Poppins and Hook, over and over and over; and because I knew he was my last, I relished every single moment with him. But due to life circumstances, he has gone and I fear he has gone forever. There is not a day goes by that I feel that I have let this child down big time and he lets me know about it, every single day. I will do whatever I have to, to help him try and find peace and contentment, I will never give up, but bloody hell, I am really really tired.

I am tired of apologising for things that I have said in anger, out of hurt, things that I shouldn't have said and am furious with myself for saying them, for wanting to get back and hurting you as much as you have hurt me. But I can't keep spending the rest of my life trying to make up for them. At some stage you need to forgive me and move or not, but punishment every day is not going to work"

I wish I could get into a time machine and change things, change a thousand and one things, but I can't, all I can tell you is that I love you and I'm sorry.

Not as I imagined.

Well I am finally registered, I AM an enrolled nurse.

It was one of my careers of choice when I was younger to be a nurse, but two things stopped me. One, I didn't like the sight of blood and two I was hopeless at Maths and Science. But three days shy of my 47th birthday I have achieved it.

I wish my Mum and Dad were here to see it, I wish I knew if they would be proud of me for making this choice. I know you can say that they are looking down and would be proud, but it's not tangible, you never really know.

"I wish I could share this moment with you. I wish we were together to celebrate, to have a drink and I hear you tell me that you are so proud of the way I have struggled over the last year to get where I am. I wish you were here to go out for a celebratory dinner, go out and have some fun and smile and laugh like we used to, but like most things, that choice has been taken out of my hands; and there is no amount of longing that will change that, there is no amount of crying that will change that, the decision was made whether I liked it or not, no discussion entered into it, because I was never going to have a choice"

And so now another new volume in my life. The first page is written.........'Held Papou's willy down so that he would pee into the toilet and not all over me. Wiped the smallest, mushiest bit of poo off his bum, pulled up his pants and took him for lunch where I Meal assisted this legally blind Greek man' This gorgeous man, who can't see, sat on the toilet and held my hand tightly. It is the first time that someone has held my hand for months. He held it firmly and yet gently, he gave ME something today and he didn't even realise it. These are the moments that make the job of nursing so rewarding. Yeah ok, we are talking about body fluids, but we are also talking about an intimacy that is shared with someone, someone who is relying on you to guide their willy, wipe their bum, and then hold your hand and allow you to assist them to find the food on their plate so they can lift the fork up and feed themselves. I am blessed, I have met and I know I WILL meet some wonderful people in my career and I know that they will leave little notches in my soul AND I hope that I will make a mark on their lives, that they will remember my kindness and my caring not only for them, but for those family and friends that also needed it.

I AM A BLOODY NURSE

I'm Lost

At the moment I have lost direction. So much has changed in my life, so little is the same that I am lost as to where I need to be. This is quite unsettling.

I have found that my usual coping mechanisms have failed me, failed me in a big way, and that in it's self has caused me more grief. I am a highly intelligent woman and yet over the last couple of months I have been someone that I would not recognise. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognise me. I look into my eyes and I don't see me................because I don't know who I am any more. I am completely lost, without direction, floating on the currents of life.

It has been difficult to maintain some sort of normality in my life over the last couple of years, I am a creature of habit, it gives me security to be able to know what is coming next, but in the last eight years, each year has been different from the one before it. I so desperately crave a routine, a rhythm to my life, something that will give me the stability to believe, the courage to trust, the knowledge that things are going to be ok.

I am with people and I come home exhausted, tired of making sure that I am who they expect me to be, when actually all I want to do is run away, be alone and cry. I have cried as a child cries when it's mother leaves it. I cry and I cry and I cry. And there are no loving arms wrapped around me to hold me through the terrors that my mind and my heart bring into existence. No whispering in my ear that it will be ok, that I will be ok. There is no whisper that I have the power to change this, only the internal voices in my head, doubting me, yelling at me, showing me the photos of what had been and what should be.

I am lost

Life Changing Moments

SOMETIMES LIFE CHANGES THAT FAST THAT WE ARE UNSURE OR DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.

IT MAY BE A SINGLE CHANGE OR IT MAY BE A RUSH OF CHANGES THAT OUR HEART, OUR HEAD AND OUR INTELLIGENCE CAN NOT COPE WITH.

IT IS IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WE DO NOT ALWAYS REACT THE WAY OTHERS ANTICIPATE, OR NEED AND WANT US TO, BUT NON THE LESS, WHEN WE ARE BORN, A GUIDE BOOK DOES NOT POP OUT TO ASSIST US ALONG THE AWAY.

THOSE THAT EXPECT OUR REACTIONS TO BE HOW THEY WANT THEM, OR THOSE OF US THAT EXPECT REACTIONS FROM OTHERS TO BE AS WE WANT THEM, NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THAT BLOODY BOOK DOES NOT COME WITH US.

THE INTIMACY OF A RELATIONSHIP

One of the very special things between a couple is the intimacy of that relationship. Now I am not talking about the sexual intimacy, although that is ALSO a very special part of a relationship, but I am talking about all the little things that can happen between a man and a woman; and ok to be PC (politically correct) a woman and a woman or a man and a man, and it's not until you no longer have access to that in your life that you realise just how important those things are.

For each couple the LIT (little intimate things), will be as many as there are 100's and 1000's in the jar, and for some couples there may be none. For those where there are none, I hate to tell you, but in my humble opinion, you need to get some and NOW! I don't mean kissing in public or anything that may make you uncomfortable, but I have learned from bitter experience that once the LIT are gone from a relationship, it is doomed, unless you shine the light back on them to recapture the magic.

LIT can be simply placing your hand on your partner's arm as you put their plate on the table, put their electric blanket on, buying the latest copy of their favorite magazine, doing something that they really enjoy, but you hate, and you say nothing unless it's with a smile on your face and in your voice (ok that may be a big one, but if you are doing it every now and then, isn't it just the point that you are spending time together?), it can be running a bath with candles, it can be sending a text, it can be lying with your head in their lap as they read or watch tv, it can be holding their hand, it can be touching their arse (not sexually, but sensually, just touching), it can be doing something that they least expect you to do like hang out the washing, cook a meal, take the rubbish out, put petrol in the car, something that is usually your job, or their job. It can be kissing their closed eye lids, it can be waking up in the morning looking like the wreck of the Hespress and telling them that they look gorgeous.

All these and millions more are the string, glue and tacks that hold a relationship together. They are what make the downs bearable, the hardships acceptable, the arguements nothing, they are what makes forgiveness the power to heal, to understand.
I can't remember there being many LIT in my marriage, in fact it was the fact that my ex husband forgot a very important LIT that I realised that my marriage was in trouble and six weeks later on his 40th birthday I realised it was over unless we started to put a lot of work into it. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't my fault; per se, it was life, being busy with life and house and life and work and life and kids and we forgot to focus on us as a couple. In my second relationship, the LIT were dominant in our relationship. It wasn't a conscious decision, they were things that we realised we needed in relationships to keep them going, grease the road, make each other feel valued and important. The very first thing he ever did for me was to cook dinner at his place after work whilst I layed back in the hot bath he had run for me, in a bathroom full of candles and a glass of wine in my hand, whilst we both asked each other about our days, listened to each other, commented and processed. It didn't always end up in bed making love, it didn't have to, but the foreplay was brilliant ;-)

Anyway, for those that are in relationships, good and bad, think about the LIT or lack thereof; if this prompts you to create more in your relationship because they are missing then I am glad, when you don't have them anymore, their absence is palpable.

AS IF.........

Dance as though no one were watching............


How easy is this to do? It doesn't matter where life's journey has taken us, doesn't matter if we have managed to jump the hurdle, or fallen head first down Alice's hole to Wonderland, coming up battered and bruised; it is easy to dance as though no one is watching. Sure, we may be a little embarrassed, sure we may be a little tipsy or hell, we may not just give a damn, but we can dance as though no one were watching.

Sing as though no one were listening.................

How easy is this to do? You could be as flat a spider on my wall after being smashed by a magazine, you could be tone deaf, you could ruin a song until it was unrecognizable, but this is still an easy thing to do. Sure we may sing with great gusto with a group of people, say at church or singing the National Anthem at a sporting event, because hey, who is going to hear us in a huge group of people (well not including those in your immediate vicinity lol who are trying to look discretely around to see where the cat-a-wailing is coming from; we can almost reach that high note that Celine does in Titanic and get a mouth full of shower water, because hey, that is our own personal recording studio, but we can sing as though no one were listening.

Live every day as if it were your last.................

How easy is this to do? It is easy to fill our time, our days with things to do, because there are a million things to do that can fill a void. You can sleep, you can drink, you can eat, you can run, you can picnic, you can fly, you can shout, you can help, you can drive, you can watch, you can do just about anything your imagination can think of and then some. Sure there may be time constraints, financial constraints, physical constraints, emotional constraints, but we can live every day as if it were our last.

Love as if you have never been hurt................

How easy is this to do? Out of all of them, this is the one that is almost impossible to achieve. How do you put aside the hurt of someone who you allowed into the darkest, quietest parts of your life? How do you learn to trust someone else with your heart, a heart that is already fragile or shattered, being held together with tape of time, that doesn't look as if it is going to last the distance. Sure you may have feelings for another person, sure you may allow them to know you, but the hurt will stop you from allowing them to see the warts and all you, because you are never going to go back there.

And the reason why this is so hard to do, so hard, that it is an almost impossible thing to do is because all of the others are physical, they are momentarily. Sure you can dance for five minutes and pretend you are happy, you can sing at the top of your voice for three minutes, you can go through the motions of living, because they are all things that you can project to the world, but loving as if you have never been hurt, is an emotional thing, a thing that you know, that your head knows, that your heart knows, that every fibre in your being knows making it impossible to love as if you have never been hurt.

I have thought of one final one, that should be added to this Irish saying.........

Die as if you were living........

ALONE IN A SEA OF PEOPLE

Have you ever noticed, when the chips are down and life is throwing you those curve balls, as it is apt to do, that it doesn't matter how many people are around supporting you, you still feel extremely alone?

I have been blessed to have met and been supported by girlfriends, who have stood by me and supported me and my kids,(stick that phrase up your arse PG) never judging, ready with a cup of tea, a hug, and an ear, and yet there is always a part of ourselves that we can't share. We are ultimately alone, in a sea of people.

It is very rare, that we ever, in a lifetime meet someone that we are completely open with; many of us are raw with emotions, scarred by events, that we are too vulnerable to share with others, unless we are blessed to find that one person who seems to be able to see into our soul and understand the scratches and healing on our spirit. If you are lucky to find that, and I believe that some people do, and then it is lost, all the scars, all the wounds, all the emotions, all the pain, all the hurt is twofold, and you are left wondering about your own stupidity in trusting another person with your inner most thoughts and feelings; and once again you are alone in a sea of people.

The purpose of this blog is for me to sort things out in my mind, my heart and my soul. I am sharing an inner piece of me, things about me that you might not know, but none the less they are my things to sort out. Your support and comments are welcome, your judgement not. I have had a very difficult 8 years, my emotions have not stopped for 8 years, possibly a bit longer, and now I need to find me, because I am no longer a daughter, I am no longer a lover, I am no longer the mother of little children, I am starting on another new road, alone in a sea of people, and I am scared stiff

FATHERS DAY

Today is the second year without Dad, and my first year alone.

I don't think people fully understand why my father dying has left me feeling so alone, so empty. Now I am an orphan, funny word to use at my age, but the truth none the less, I am the oldest in my family, and things that used to be so right are no longer right. I lost the one man who loved me unconditionally and who I knew would be there for me always, no matter what.

I used to go on family picnics on both Mothers and Fathers Day with my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins, but now, it just seems so hard to be sitting there wishing that Dad was there like he used to be. There seems to be a void where he should be, but he is not. When the wind blows through the trees, I can hear his laughter, his argumentative manner and I can imagine his smile.

In the last couple of weeks when I graduated as a nurse and got my job, the first thing I thought was that I was going to ring Dad...............I hadn't thought that for a while, and the emptiness when I remembered that it was going to be a bloody long, long, long distance phone call, caused physical pain in my chest. Dad never knew that I was leaving the council, my redundancy all happened when he was in Palliative Care; I didn't want him to worry about me, which I know he would have. He never knew that I was going to go back to school and become a nurse, he never knew that after watching the care he received, I realised that I wanted to be a Palliative Care nurse and repay the kindness that was shown to him and us.

And this is my first Father's Day alone, not part of a couple. The emptiness is two fold, I am part of no Father's Day. I didn't get to wake up with all the hoop la that is bestowed onto a man on the morning of fathers day. I didn't wake up and look into the eyes of the man I love, wishing him a wonderful day. It is so lonely.

However, I also have a thought for my three beautiful children who are the loves of my life. Our lives have been difficult in recent times, some of you will know what I mean, others will just have to wonder, but I also ache for them, because their father is still alive, but has chosen not to have anything to do with them. They may be 20,18 & 15, but that doesn't mean that on these special days, their pain is no more real than mine. I just received a lovely text message from my daughter, wishing me a Happy Father's Day. It made me smile and love her even more. This man, this virtual sperm donor, who had decided that his current wife is so much more important that his responsibility to his children, receives my contempt. I do not regret the marriage, how could I? I would not have my kids, but I regret you never letting me know the real you, and only now have I come to realise that you play a part for whoever is in your life. Now you are this Furry even Furrier character who thinks his shit doesn't stink, that he has no responsibilities except that rat face Purple Goddess. Have a happy sperm donor day!

Dad, I miss you heaps, love you always! I am coming down today to visit you, to visit Mum. I know you both taught John and I that going to the cemetery means any more than us thinking of you both every day, but today I didn't want your grave to be empty. I hate going there, always have, but today I go alone and I hate it even more

A Momment In Time-September 1993

There are, clearly times in our lives that become quite definitive;some take us down positive tracks, others down a negative track, which can be harder to get off.

In the last 17 years in particular, there have been many defining moments; some I feel I handled well, others I did not, but then who does? The death of my mother, after a 10 day battle with cancer was like a slap in the face with a wet tuna. How could she be gone? How could she be here one minute and not the next? Where did she go? How was I going to go on with out her in my life? Without our daily phone calls? Without our weekly shopping trips? How was I going to build a house, move away and do it all with two small children, who were lost as to where their beloved Nanny had gone.

In the years after her death, I have come to realise, that my mother's dying allowed me to have the courage to make decisions that I would not have made had she still been here; however that is another moment in time!

We were building a new house, owner building non the least, travelling up and down the highway with two small kids in tow, over seeing the sub contractors, running around for building materials, insulation, plaster moulds and fittings. How did I do it? I know not, because that time to me is very fuzzy. I think I was simply running on adrenaline, running away from my feelings, so that I wouldn't have to feel the same things that I could see etched on my father's face. My mother's death probably effected him the most. To hear him down in the garage, crying, so my brother and I wouldn't see him, wouldn't see his weakness, broke my heart and I realised how much my father truely loved my mother, even after all those years, even after all those fights, they loved one another.

And so 17th September 1993 became a defining moment in my life, yet I did not realise what a profound effect it would eventually have on me, on my children, on my brother and father for years to come. I needed to travel a path, but which one to take?

Thoughts on Space

Have you ever given any thoughts to space? I have over the last couple of weeks, stars, planets, moon, sun, sky, atmosphere, comets, rain, wind and waste of space.

Have you ever given a decent amount of thought to waste of space? I have recently. You know you look around and notice things that appear to be a waste of space, I have even come to realise in the last couple of weeks that there are some people on this planet that are a waste of space.

You know, those people that seem to think they have been placed on this earth with a 'golden ticket', that allows them to be rude, hurtful and arrogant, trying to prove that they are so much better than other people. These are the people who think their shit doesn't stink................but their farts give them away. These are the people who seem to think that their shit goes down to the sewage farm in the poor socio-economic areas and this gives them great pleasure in thinking that they are 'shitting' on these people from their lofty heights, and yet when you delve you realise that these people, who do this, are nothing more than bullies, trying to cover up for their own inadequacies, their lack of knowing just exactly who they are because if they did, they just might be too scared to realise that they were born to someone who won't validate them, or perhaps didn't want them.

There are so many people in this world who think this is ok, to publicly hurt children, hurt others, and yet think they are wonderful because they may have over 200 'friends' on Facebook. They seem to think that this proves how wonderful they are, the more friends they have, the greater they are. It is actually a sad indictment on society the amount of bullying that goes on in this world. Adults bullying children, children bullying children in the worse possible way, and adults allowing them to get away with it, in fact condoning them, so these children grow up and because adults who seem to think they can get away with anything, and yet their parents seem to think that they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Interested to see your thoughts on Waste of Space.............my next blog will be on Waste of Time