FAREWELL

The time has come to move on, please follow me at
ameanderthroughthejungle.blogspot.com

A SINGLE TEAR DROP

Today, I watched a single tear drop.


It wasn't there and then..........it slowly appeared, in the corner of the eye, like a translucent bubble, until it could no longer be held back and it's journey began.

A single tear drop, sitting where it fell, not quite ready, full of sense, full of being, small and round and perfect and yet why exist?

Today I watched a single tear drop fall...............on millions of faces around the world and unite to wash away the pain and rejoice in what has since become.
9/11

RE EVALUATING

And so, after a short period time I am finding that I have to re evaluate where I thought I was heading. Not a nice head space to be in, not after floating on clouds, not after feeling like a teenager on her first journey of love, not after crashing to the ground with a thud.

But it is imperative, before I go further, that I qualify this period in my life. It really is a matter of timing, no one is at fault. It is not my place to go into why the timing was wrong in such a public forum, and even though I am hurt by it, I totally understand why it is the wrong time; it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Part of the problem is that when you discover someone who seems to understand your innerself without you having to explain it, who makes you feel safe after such a long time of not feeling safe, who sort of bosses you around, after such a long time where you have had to be in control, the motivator, doing it all, no one to count on, it is hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry with yourself for allowing someone into that space of vulnability. This was not a matter of choice on either side, it happened, it was like an invisible trail of smoke that seemed to work it's way into, around, onto, about and through the situation without anyone being aware of it happening before it was too late, and now, as quickly as that invisible trail found it's way to us, it tightened and pulled apart the two bodies that it had silently wrapped it's tendrils around. I just re read this paragraph, and I don't want anyone to think that the term 'bosses' means anything negative, far from it. Those that know me well, who know the journey of the last nine years, will know how much I have had to deal with, been in control of, sort out, organise, be, have, do, arrange, and to have someone come to me and say hey would you like to do this with me? It's a nice change.

Anyway, this isn't just about that, a change is coming within my family. One that I also cannot go into publicly however it is one that I am facing earlier than I expected, one that I am nervous, scared and worried about, but know that this is probably a positive move, even though it feels so hard to accept. Again, it is out of my control as such, that is the hard enough feeling to deal with, but to deal with alone, friends aside, to deal with it without arms holding me as I voice my fears, well you know, those of you with a significant other, will understand I am sure. But I am going to look at this change in a positive light (I hope), and I know at this stage, that it is not forever, (I hope) and will deal with it (I hope).

And so I live in hope........, even though I perfer things to be more concrete, I live in hope that a journey can be restarted, that by accepting my family situation, I am making the right move, but most of all, I hope I can just keep moving forward.............that silent tendril of smoke has such a strong pull at times.

Back to the Future.........without the De Lorean

It moved past and beyond and I didn't even see it, I didn't even feel it, I almost didn't know it. It happened so quick and yet it took forever to ripen, to come to fruition, to be acknowledged, to know, to feel.
It moved out of one realm and into another, it was like a whisper of smoke moving with the slight breeze, wrapping it's tendrils around the both of us, gently whispering, gently touching, gentle recognition of something that was growing, becoming real as each moment passed, until it was almost too big to ignore any longer.
It was based on friendship, shared early years, shared early memories, laughter, joy, 'remember whens?', dinner and talk and chat and laughter. It came out of no where and yet it come from another time; another time of innocence, a shared time, a shared memories of teachers and kids and events.
It came from hard times, difficult times, emotional times, unknown times, unshared times, and yet it came from gentle times, heartfelt times, understanding times, together times, shared-apart times.
It happened in a blink of an eye, without a thought, within a thought, as if it might never happen and yet as if was meant to happen and we weren't aware that it was, but somehow it was pre ordained, as if even then we were supposed to know, to grasp what was to be expected of us, and yet how could we know, understand, see?

Perhaps, it shouldn't be questioned at all, perhaps it was written in the stars, long ago, by scribes of time long past, who wandered this earth in gowns that kissed the earth, and white wiry beards that evidenced their wisdom and knowledge, who lived in dark spaces, lit only by candles, filled with large old books full of words of wisdom from ancestors telling their stories and passing on magical words that gave others wonderment, and fear and awe. Perhaps we just need to get back to the future Doc

WHERE HAS THE MONTH GONE?

It has been just over a month since my last blog, I just don't know where the time has gone. In that month, Gibbzy is in a new home, Kaz's mum has had a few health issues, Kez has been in Malta, Easter has happened, Anzac day has happened and I have started at MAPU.

It is truly amazing when you are writing a blog to look back and see how you were feeling at a particular time, and I know that I have been very open and honest about a lot of my feelings over the last year and a half and to all those wonderful people who have simply read, supported and loved me all the same, thank you. There are definately times in your life when you just need to off load whatever it is that is going around and around in your head and heart and that which is also so very capable of driving you insane, or perhaps to do things that you shouldn't.

Emotionally I feel that I am in a much better place. I am loving my work, it is rapid and dynamic and my head is swimming every day with new information and things to learn. My scuba diving course is still there, bubbling away, I haven't had the opportunity to concentrate on the study yet and I want to be able to give that my full attention so at this stage, it appears that June may be the big month.



As I am finding out about my life, it took another turn, virtually out of my hands as was the diving when I asked a friend, Greg to give me a quote to convert the study to a room. This had long been an idea, somewhere to scrap and another bedroom for staying over guests. I got the quote and he said, 'I can do it on Wednesday', hmmm well what is a girl to do? But say yes, so something that I had been ummming and ahhhing over was coming to fruition. (Can I tell you the state of the house is driving me insane, everything is everywhere, but my study, my retreat is looking beautiful and I will always remember that Elliott laboured to help make it happen.

I also revisited my past, I had been invited by Greg to go to Lake Eppalock. I used to camp there many years ago with my Mum and Dad and brother. It was always a pleasant memory in the background, the first place I caught a fish, the first place I skinny dipped, a place I always felt at peace. I was invited back over Easter, the lake now full of water. It was amazing, it felt like coming home, I can't explain how I felt, how my heart felt sitting out in the sunshine, the crisp cold air turning my breath to steam, watching the steam lift from the still, oh so very still lake and hear the birds talking in many languages, languages that only they could understand. The gum trees, the blue skies, the sound of the boats tearing up the lake, the colour of the water, the smell of the open fires, the laughter of children, the sound of 'Yeah she'll be right' as the tractor drove past readying for the race happening in the next week. The coffee in the mug in my hands was heating my hands, the caffeine kicking in and waking my sleepy eyes. The smell of bacon wafted up from my plate, something I am always greatful for is a cooked meal that I don't have to worry about. The quartz white rocks and the thousands upon thousands of leaves that scattered on the ground as if a new exotic shag pile carpet recently put down. Yes I felt I had come home.

I have also touched base with Chris. Chris and I went to primary school together, we were in grade 2 and 4 together, not best friends, because what girl and boy is best friends in primary school? But it has been truly amazing learning about the adults we have become, laugh about the mutual people we remember, giggle at the people we didn't remember, and just discover a new wonderful friendship that was never expected by either of us, but has become very precious to both of us. How is it that you can have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and just click together, without it being what most people expect to happen between the opposite sexes? We are comfortable with each other, a lovely friendship over coffee, over dinner, over the phone, arguing, teasing, pushing, questioning, but I am so sad to say that he is.............a Collingwood supporter. That in it's self has meant that I have had to push aside a lot of feelings about the black and white, and discover the man beneath the stripes.

It has been a fantastic month, wonderful, challenging, social, and May is going to be even bigger, spending time with my girls, scrapping, laughing, drinking, crying, hugging and just being.

BRING ON MAY!!!!!

What Have I Done?

Last Friday, I took the step off the edge into the unknown............Definitely the unknown. You see I went and booked a place in an open water Scuba Diving course.

Why? It had not been on my radar before; sure I had done a reef dive on the Great Barrier Reef about 20 years ago and thought it was wonderful, but SD (scuba diving) was not something that I had on my to do list until.............I met someone who SD and we spoke about it, then I discovered that one of the nurses that I work with, also SD and we spoke about it. Funnily enough I received two emails offering me cut price scuba diving and the final straw was when I was sitting in traffic and a large van for a SD company pulled up beside me at the lights. Ok, so maybe the ethos was telling me something and I should be listening. I started doing a little research, but still had several questions.

I realised that yes it was something that I would like to try, so decided to get a little fitter and then book in later in the year........Ummmmmm nope Ethos had another plan. A dive store that was known to a friend was moving and they were having a grand opening sale with 10% off. Ok, maybe this was moving a little faster than I thought it was. Images of that huge deep sea octopus hiding in a long ago sunken ship started bursting through the little grey cells of my brain. Ok slow down breathing, mentally push that over the cliff, they only exist in movies. Breathing returns to normal, able to think straight.

Ethos speaks again

It just so happened that the night before the G.O. sale, I was heading down that way to visit a girlfriend who lives there. Hmmmmm, well I will just drop in and see them and speak to them about my thoughts, concerns and wonders and see how I go. Peter was delightful, encouraging, supportive and answered everyone of my silly questions which then meant I had to book the course because the giant octopus doesn't exist where I will be going and the world that I will be visiting looks inviting and challenging, and opening and full of wonderment. The dive fraternity also appears to be a way of meeting new friends, new people and they even have dive holidays interstate and overseas which they go to as a group. I find this a supportive way of diving somewhere else but with people that you trust. I am considering doing a dive next year in Thailand, even if SD isn't my passion, it will allow me to do new things and diving overseas can definitely go on the bucket list.

So where am I today? I have this massive theory book that I have to get through, then a theory class. I have two closed dive sessions and I believe two open water dive sessions. I know my heart will be palpitating, but isn't this what life is about? I am now doing what I thought I would be once my kids started being independent and building their own lives; I am living my life to the best of my ability, discovering new things, trying new things and loving it

Not as I wanted, but it is what I want

Ok, so the title sounds a bit like an oximoron I know, but not really.

It is March 2011 and I am not where I thought I was going to be, and perhaps that was part of the problem, but I am where I want to be for this moment in my life.

I am letting go of expectations, mine, yours, theirs and I am doing and living how I want to live my life. Some under estimated my resolve and at the same time over estimated my patience.

I am finally throwing off the shackles of being where everyone expects me to be and who everyone expects me to be, let me give you and example. Yesterday I went to the Japanese Bath House, this entailed me getting naked in front of people I don't know and bathing and cleansing in front of those people. Now the thought of a 47 year old woman doing this could possibly sent some of my friends running quickly for a white jacket for me, but NO I haven't lost my mind, NO I am not having a mid life crisis, since this would denigrate a long generational tradition from a country where this is a regular and acceptable way of life for those of any age, but I had an enjoyable afternoon, enjoying the tradition of another country and feeling very relaxed, and well........naughty.

I have set myself a health goal and when I achieve it I have promised myself a treat. Now I am not going to say what it is, the goal or the treat, that will come in a later post when I achieve what I want, but it will be another thing that some people may be shocked about, but hey, is life not about living? Why is it that only teenagers get to push the boundaries to see how far they can go? I think it weird that a woman who is 63 just gave birth to a baby, she wouldn't, I would but at the end of the day, that is her choice, not mine but hers.

I am enjoying my time on this planet, I don't know how long I am going to be here for, but it is going to be a bloody enjoyable time.

In a good place

For the first time I can remember in years, I am in a good place.

I am feeling positive and looking forward to the future with a degree of certainty, confidence and belief.

There is still a lot of things that needs to be sorted, that will probably take some time to do, but I am finally feeling that I have taken control of life and I am now starting to direct where my life is going, not the other way around.

I know, that I am going to fall into pot holes along the way, I know there are things I don't want to face, however last week, I had a light bulb moment, a moment of clarity and understanding of what I needed to do for ME, and not others.

I have been able to do this with the love and support of my soul sister, my best friend, two friends who live far enough away, that their support is verbal, is love, is understanding, and a new friend, who is teaching me to live the life I deserve, no expectations, just gently pushing me outside my comfort zone to find the real me. I am considering doing the things that I never thought I would ever do, or even considered doing, but my bucket list has exploded, what to do, just not enough time in the day.

This is going to be a slowish process because I don't want to become manic as if I only have two minutes to live, but I am looking at and considering many things, some will come off, some won't but I will have explored and expanded my life experiences. I need to build up the stamina and emotional and mental fortitude to help me stay on this path, I need to say to hell with those who think that I have gone mad...............perhaps I have, but at the end of the day, this is MY life, based on my experiences and what I need and want to do, your choices will be different for just as many reasons, but I will respect that they are YOUR choices to make, just like mine are.

Regrets, I have a few, I wish I had dealt with things a little differently on some occasions, but I do not regret any of the major decisions that I have made that has lead me to where I am today.

Peace, love and harmony are now what I am looking for, contentment, excitement, wonder, joy, bliss...........yes, bliss, the bliss of secrets, the bliss of love, the bliss of touch, the bliss of sharing a dream, a journey, a moment, a laugh, a kiss, a time.

Fingers crossed, I AM on the road back, lets just see

DO I NEED THE COAT HANGER MORE THAN THE DRESS?

I am at a loss as to where all the coat hangers disappear to, it's like the sock vortex, there just isn't enough when you need them. So going on a hunt for coat hangers hanging in wardrobes with nothing on them, I came across THE sexy pink dress.

This dress was a spur of the moment purchase. Went to the wedding ceremony, decided to go shopping before the reception and there she was. A gorgeous bright lipstick pink, in flowy chiffon that hugged my now curvaceous body. (I had not long lost 20kgs). I felt gorgeous, I felt sexy, something I hadn't felt for a long long time and the look in his eyes told me I was right.

So I bought the dress and we rushed to buy a new bra, because of course didn't have one that suited the neckline of the dress, new 'cant see the seams or the elastic' type undies and he bought me stockings. Not pantyhose, but stockings that stay up without suspenders. Hooley Dooley did I feel fantastic. I wore that dress to the wedding and felt like Cinderella at the ball. (I did wear that dress again, and it was to another wedding, catholic church, but instead of Cinderella I was Barbarella, I had forgotten to put knickers on before going to the church (ouch naughty girl as I slapped myself whilst whispering the fact into someone's ear as the 'I do's' were being said, but that is another blog ;-)

Any way, this dress was my self esteem booster, and I have just taken it out of the wardrobe and had the two thoughts above. Alas, I no longer fit into this dress and the 20kgs plus some have moved back in and taken up residence on my arse and thighs and so the decision needs to be made. Do I need the coat hanger more than the dress?

New Beginings

Just over 8 years ago, I was starting a new different life, it was new beginnings and that is why I chose this picture. It replicates exactly how I felt my journey was going, over a rickety bridge with minimal support for the path I was taking.

I needed someone, who was going to make me feel that loosing 20kg was a good thing, that I was desirable, wanted and beautiful. I had never felt that in 39 years. When I was 12, going through puberty, in grade 6, just about the only girl who had her period, growing boobs, hairy legs, a boy told me I was ugly. To this day, his words still reverberate around my head like a mantra and try as I might, it is always there until I met Shaun.

He was just supposed to be a quick inclusion in my life to help me understand why my husband preferred porn to me, but it became a 7 year journey. He helped me discover my sexuality, my sensuality, my sense of adventure, my vulnerability, my love of another. There is hardly a place, song, food, show movie that doesn't remind me of a special time we spent together.

The last twelve months, today is the anniversary, life has gotten in the way of US. Life has a funny way of maneuvering it's fingers of discontent, disillusionment, dismay, disappointment, discovery, distraughtment (is there such a word?), discouragement, disengagement through a relationship until it no longer resembles what it once was.

For every word of love and encouragement, there is a word of anger and sadness, but oh how I miss your touch, your love, spending days in bed, laughing and sleeping and enjoying each others bodies.

Today, it has been twelve months since we made love. I miss you, I miss us, I miss the times we shared together.

This has been a very self indulgent and personal piece to write, but I needed to get it down on paper, to publicly let you know how much Shaun gave to me when I really needed something.

Coming Home

It was dusk.

The southern land sky, a multitude of pinks and oranges, greys and blues, mashing together to farewell the fireball that had scorched the land, that day. The colours reflected onto the waters below, making the sunset appear bigger than it was, almost a presence within itself.

The air.

The seagulls were hovering in flocks, above the sand, like Imperial TIE Fighters, waiting, just waiting. The leader squawked for positions, each squawked off, as if to count their position within the squad. Their voices over rode the sound of the water, which was rolling in from another land, towards the shore, no longer large or angry, but barely there and caressing. The smell of salt was a strong presence in the air, as if anyone there required reminding as to where they were at that very moment in time.

The sand.

It was white, not yellow but white, and indication of the geographical start to this part of the land. It was fine, finer than normal sand, almost powder. And it was still warm from the glare of the sun's rays raining down all day. There were tufts of thin strands of strong grass like growths dotted all along the foreshore; litter that had been lifted from today's lunches by the breeze were tangled amongst them, fighting to get out of this green prison, but not with much luck.

The breeze.

Was still warm, but slight for most of the time, however every now and then, as if to tease, it gathered speed and whirled around to remind anyone around that it was still there, still present, still able to make anyone there, close their eyes tightly to the flying sand, and skin raise in goosebumps.

The beach.

Was deserted of people except for her, or so she thought.

Her.

She wore a long black cotton skirt, one that skimmed the sand. A white singlet top finished her outfit. Her thongs, she carried in her hand. She had been walking along the beach for some time, her head down, as if too afraid to face the world before her. Her curly hair whipped around her face every now and then, framing an unmade up face. She stopped, turned and looked out towards the water, towards the now dark pinks and greys, as if to pay homage to the passing of the sun. She stood looking for a minute or two and then in one fluid movement, sunk onto her bum to sit on the sand. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, now a tight ball of human, almost sitting so no one would see her.

I.

I was standing further up the foreshore, coming down here most nights for a walk with the dogs, but tonight I had left them at home, glad of the peace of not having to run after them or throw a ball. I almost didn't notice her, if it had not been for the full moon that was now filling the sky where the colours had been, I would have missed her. I could tell that she did not want to be disturbed, that even though she was sitting very still, her mind and emotions were racing at a million miles an hour. I knew there would be tears rolling down her cheeks. I knew her heart would be pounding and I knew her eyes would be open.

Even though I knew that she would not be able to hear me, I carefully reached down to my camera, hanging from it's strap over my shoulder. I was a photographer, and I had come down here to take some night shots of the full moon filling the blue black sky, but for some reason, I knew that I needed to take a photo of this girl. I dialled and twiddled with knobs and zoom lenses and clicked away, standing up, kneeling down, lying down, changing direction. For some unexplained reason, I could not stop taking photos of this form, that was almost ghost like in the scene. Bathed in the moonlight, unmoving, and yet..........

I wondered about her. What had brought her here to this secluded part of the beach. I didn't need to think about that one for long, I knew. Even though I had not seen her face, I knew her and who she was. You see, I had sat in that same position, on that same spot years ago when grief and pain and heartache had been too unbearable to feel, and contemplated walking into that water, hoping it would wash away all that I was no longer able to bear.

But just as I stood, a small dog came running from where I was standing down, barking and growling at me. I heard a voice, "Bobby! Bobby! come back here right now" I looked up and saw you standing there, I couldn't see your face, but somehow I knew that I had found what I had been looking for, I had found home.