And so, after a short period time I am finding that I have to re evaluate where I thought I was heading. Not a nice head space to be in, not after floating on clouds, not after feeling like a teenager on her first journey of love, not after crashing to the ground with a thud.
But it is imperative, before I go further, that I qualify this period in my life. It really is a matter of timing, no one is at fault. It is not my place to go into why the timing was wrong in such a public forum, and even though I am hurt by it, I totally understand why it is the wrong time; it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
Part of the problem is that when you discover someone who seems to understand your innerself without you having to explain it, who makes you feel safe after such a long time of not feeling safe, who sort of bosses you around, after such a long time where you have had to be in control, the motivator, doing it all, no one to count on, it is hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry with yourself for allowing someone into that space of vulnability. This was not a matter of choice on either side, it happened, it was like an invisible trail of smoke that seemed to work it's way into, around, onto, about and through the situation without anyone being aware of it happening before it was too late, and now, as quickly as that invisible trail found it's way to us, it tightened and pulled apart the two bodies that it had silently wrapped it's tendrils around. I just re read this paragraph, and I don't want anyone to think that the term 'bosses' means anything negative, far from it. Those that know me well, who know the journey of the last nine years, will know how much I have had to deal with, been in control of, sort out, organise, be, have, do, arrange, and to have someone come to me and say hey would you like to do this with me? It's a nice change.
Anyway, this isn't just about that, a change is coming within my family. One that I also cannot go into publicly however it is one that I am facing earlier than I expected, one that I am nervous, scared and worried about, but know that this is probably a positive move, even though it feels so hard to accept. Again, it is out of my control as such, that is the hard enough feeling to deal with, but to deal with alone, friends aside, to deal with it without arms holding me as I voice my fears, well you know, those of you with a significant other, will understand I am sure. But I am going to look at this change in a positive light (I hope), and I know at this stage, that it is not forever, (I hope) and will deal with it (I hope).
And so I live in hope........, even though I perfer things to be more concrete, I live in hope that a journey can be restarted, that by accepting my family situation, I am making the right move, but most of all, I hope I can just keep moving forward.............that silent tendril of smoke has such a strong pull at times.
