It's 9.56pm 30th December 2010.
Tomorrow is the last day of twenty ten, the day after, a new year, a blank page in history; who will be here to see the year through, who will begin in 2011?
I want tomorrow to come and yet I don't; I feel trepidation, what will twenty eleven mean for me? Nothing is a given; nothing is for sure; nothing is for certain. I don't like that; I don't like not having some control over where I am going, what I am doing. I like to have plans, dreams, hopes, may-be's should be's will be's can be's and hopefullies.
So what do I know? I know that for the first time in 47 years I will be alone on New Years Eve; not a tragedy. I know that for the first time in 47 years I will not be kissed on New Years Eve, and for the first time in 8 years I will start the new year without your touch; not a tragedy. I know that I have to work tomorrow night; no great tragedy and that when I come home the same pile of clothes that are sitting on the couch waiting to be folded right now, will be waiting for me tomorrow night as well. I know that my biggest baby will be 21 years old and I know that I wish that his Nanny and Nanu were here to see it. I know that I am sad that my two boys do not wish to have anything to do with their father and I know that I am pissed off that my children's father does not want to be part of his three beautiful children's life. I know that I am financially secure, in relatively good health and doing a job that I love. But I also know that I have not been happy for a long time, since...............the date I know but won't make public. I know that I have some very special friends, one in particular, but a group who have listened to me bare my soul to them about my life and yet not make one judgement to me about what I should have, could have done. I know I have two major regrets in my life; one considering the situation of a twelve year old, and not going with my gut and buggering everyone else and doing what I wanted to do instead of considering other's feelings.
Twenty eleven, I know what I hope will happen, I know there are things that I would like to do, like time away and catching up with old new friends, and finding me, and finding love and finding strength and finding me, whoever me is, because quite frankly I'm not sure I know who I am. Now that is a bold statement...........don't you love that word BOLD? I'm sitting here saying it over and over in my head "bold.....bold....bold...." It sort of means that you know, no hesitations, guts, strength, carefree, be damned, forging ahead.
But will it happen? I know we are not born with guarantees, and whenever something has happened I have never said 'Why me?' but rather 'Why not me?' because I believe that those that say 'Why me?' when something happens, believe that they are in a protected position and rage against the Gods and the ethos of the world as to why these things happen to them. But what makes them so special that they get guarantees in life?
However I transgress.
I have been giving a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks as to what a new year means to me, what I want to happen, what I want to achieve. I have to try and shut the voices off in my head that are telling me the bad things; they are, however very noises bastards and are very good at over taking the good voices. Damn you pain and sadness, pack up your kit bags and piss off and let me finally have the peace and happiness that I believe I deserve. Once bitten, twice shy. Or rather twice bitten and can I go back there again? It's raw, red raw, and I never thought I would react like this, be like this, cry like this, rage like this, wonder like this, hope like this, be angry like this.
And so, I have realised that I can't plan what will be, but rather I will continue to take one step at a time, one minute at a time if I have to. I know because of death, that the pain of this loss, will fade in time, and yet I am scared that if I don't have this pain, then it never really existed, it wasn't real and I am so scared of it not being real. Again I digress. I know what I would like to happen, and I will do whatever I can to make THAT happen, but I know that I am vulnerable enough, sad enough, lacking faith enough to know that I also can not push myself to achieve. And so my list for 2011 is to find me, find happy, find companionship, find love, find Gaia, find old friends, find time for friends, but most of all find peace.
