Sunday, February 20, 2011

DO I NEED THE COAT HANGER MORE THAN THE DRESS?


I am at a loss as to where all the coat hangers disappear to, it's like the sock vortex, there just isn't enough when you need them. So going on a hunt for coat hangers hanging in wardrobes with nothing on them, I came across THE sexy pink dress.

This dress was a spur of the moment purchase. Went to the wedding ceremony, decided to go shopping before the reception and there she was. A gorgeous bright lipstick pink, in flowy chiffon that hugged my now curvaceous body. (I had not long lost 20kgs). I felt gorgeous, I felt sexy, something I hadn't felt for a long long time and the look in his eyes told me I was right.

So I bought the dress and we rushed to buy a new bra, because of course didn't have one that suited the neckline of the dress, new 'cant see the seams or the elastic' type undies and he bought me stockings. Not pantyhose, but stockings that stay up without suspenders. Hooley Dooley did I feel fantastic. I wore that dress to the wedding and felt like Cinderella at the ball. (I did wear that dress again, and it was to another wedding, catholic church, but instead of Cinderella I was Barbarella, I had forgotten to put knickers on before going to the church (ouch naughty girl as I slapped myself whilst whispering the fact into someone's ear as the 'I do's' were being said, but that is another blog ;-)

Any way, this dress was my self esteem booster, and I have just taken it out of the wardrobe and had the two thoughts above. Alas, I no longer fit into this dress and the 20kgs plus some have moved back in and taken up residence on my arse and thighs and so the decision needs to be made. Do I need the coat hanger more than the dress?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

New Beginings

Just over 8 years ago, I was starting a new different life, it was new beginnings and that is why I chose this picture. It replicates exactly how I felt my journey was going, over a rickety bridge with minimal support for the path I was taking.

I needed someone, who was going to make me feel that loosing 20kg was a good thing, that I was desirable, wanted and beautiful. I had never felt that in 39 years. When I was 12, going through puberty, in grade 6, just about the only girl who had her period, growing boobs, hairy legs, a boy told me I was ugly. To this day, his words still reverberate around my head like a mantra and try as I might, it is always there until I met Shaun.

He was just supposed to be a quick inclusion in my life to help me understand why my husband preferred porn to me, but it became a 7 year journey. He helped me discover my sexuality, my sensuality, my sense of adventure, my vulnerability, my love of another. There is hardly a place, song, food, show movie that doesn't remind me of a special time we spent together.

The last twelve months, today is the anniversary, life has gotten in the way of US. Life has a funny way of maneuvering it's fingers of discontent, disillusionment, dismay, disappointment, discovery, distraughtment (is there such a word?), discouragement, disengagement through a relationship until it no longer resembles what it once was.

For every word of love and encouragement, there is a word of anger and sadness, but oh how I miss your touch, your love, spending days in bed, laughing and sleeping and enjoying each others bodies.

Today, it has been twelve months since we made love. I miss you, I miss us, I miss the times we shared together.

This has been a very self indulgent and personal piece to write, but I needed to get it down on paper, to publicly let you know how much Shaun gave to me when I really needed something.