New Beginings

Just over 8 years ago, I was starting a new different life, it was new beginnings and that is why I chose this picture. It replicates exactly how I felt my journey was going, over a rickety bridge with minimal support for the path I was taking.

I needed someone, who was going to make me feel that loosing 20kg was a good thing, that I was desirable, wanted and beautiful. I had never felt that in 39 years. When I was 12, going through puberty, in grade 6, just about the only girl who had her period, growing boobs, hairy legs, a boy told me I was ugly. To this day, his words still reverberate around my head like a mantra and try as I might, it is always there until I met Shaun.

He was just supposed to be a quick inclusion in my life to help me understand why my husband preferred porn to me, but it became a 7 year journey. He helped me discover my sexuality, my sensuality, my sense of adventure, my vulnerability, my love of another. There is hardly a place, song, food, show movie that doesn't remind me of a special time we spent together.

The last twelve months, today is the anniversary, life has gotten in the way of US. Life has a funny way of maneuvering it's fingers of discontent, disillusionment, dismay, disappointment, discovery, distraughtment (is there such a word?), discouragement, disengagement through a relationship until it no longer resembles what it once was.

For every word of love and encouragement, there is a word of anger and sadness, but oh how I miss your touch, your love, spending days in bed, laughing and sleeping and enjoying each others bodies.

Today, it has been twelve months since we made love. I miss you, I miss us, I miss the times we shared together.

This has been a very self indulgent and personal piece to write, but I needed to get it down on paper, to publicly let you know how much Shaun gave to me when I really needed something.