My life is a roller coaster and I want.............I need to get off.
Yesterday I was so happy, so high on the fact that I had really achieved what I wanted and tonight I have bottomed out big time.
The sperm donor is going overseas tomorrow, apparently FOREVER. I learned today that, after 8 months of no contact, my youngest saw his father today. Now it's not that I have an issue with him seeing S.D., regardless of what he has done, he is still their father and they need to make those decisions themselves and whether I like it or not, I support those decisions.
However, and this is completely selfish of me I know, but how come he can be forgiven and I pay every day? I love all my children equally, but he was my baby and the one that I spent the most time alone with. We had a wonderful relationship, we would sit for hours watching Mary Poppins and Hook, over and over and over; and because I knew he was my last, I relished every single moment with him. But due to life circumstances, he has gone and I fear he has gone forever. There is not a day goes by that I feel that I have let this child down big time and he lets me know about it, every single day. I will do whatever I have to, to help him try and find peace and contentment, I will never give up, but bloody hell, I am really really tired.
I am tired of apologising for things that I have said in anger, out of hurt, things that I shouldn't have said and am furious with myself for saying them, for wanting to get back and hurting you as much as you have hurt me. But I can't keep spending the rest of my life trying to make up for them. At some stage you need to forgive me and move or not, but punishment every day is not going to work"
I wish I could get into a time machine and change things, change a thousand and one things, but I can't, all I can tell you is that I love you and I'm sorry.
I'm sure given time, it will all work out - and if it doesn't - then it through no fault, or lack of effort on your part. Take it from me, you are a good parent.
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