I finally heard the words that I have half been expecting, but that didn't make it any easier.
When you receive confirmation of what you have feared, what you have believed in your heart for a long time, the reaction is not less, the pain is no less painful, you can physically feel your heart stop beating, you can hear the blood rushing through your ears, deafening you to what you have just heard and don't want to hear again. The hairs on your skin stand simultaneously upright, causing physical pain, your breathing begins to go fast and then you feel that you are not breathing at all and that your lungs are going to explode out of your chest. A myriad of memories rush through your brain, into your third eye where you see all the times that you hold dear, and this is all within a nano second of hearing the words.
And where do you go from there? I don't know where I am at the moment, I can't tell you, some sort of limbo world between pain and disbelief. And now I am on another journey, and I don't have a Melways for this one.
Wherever the journey takes you - I know you will be surrounded by friends, and those who care. and I know you will be strong enough to go the distance, no matter how far.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I will be strong enough to go the distance no matter how far, what little you know, I have been drowning for a while, I haven't been waving, I have been trying to get people to see that I am not as strong as you all think I am, that I have needed a soft place to fall and for someone to hold me in their arms, and make me feel safe. This on top of everything else only makes it harder
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