FATHERS DAY

Today is the second year without Dad, and my first year alone.

I don't think people fully understand why my father dying has left me feeling so alone, so empty. Now I am an orphan, funny word to use at my age, but the truth none the less, I am the oldest in my family, and things that used to be so right are no longer right. I lost the one man who loved me unconditionally and who I knew would be there for me always, no matter what.

I used to go on family picnics on both Mothers and Fathers Day with my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins, but now, it just seems so hard to be sitting there wishing that Dad was there like he used to be. There seems to be a void where he should be, but he is not. When the wind blows through the trees, I can hear his laughter, his argumentative manner and I can imagine his smile.

In the last couple of weeks when I graduated as a nurse and got my job, the first thing I thought was that I was going to ring Dad...............I hadn't thought that for a while, and the emptiness when I remembered that it was going to be a bloody long, long, long distance phone call, caused physical pain in my chest. Dad never knew that I was leaving the council, my redundancy all happened when he was in Palliative Care; I didn't want him to worry about me, which I know he would have. He never knew that I was going to go back to school and become a nurse, he never knew that after watching the care he received, I realised that I wanted to be a Palliative Care nurse and repay the kindness that was shown to him and us.

And this is my first Father's Day alone, not part of a couple. The emptiness is two fold, I am part of no Father's Day. I didn't get to wake up with all the hoop la that is bestowed onto a man on the morning of fathers day. I didn't wake up and look into the eyes of the man I love, wishing him a wonderful day. It is so lonely.

However, I also have a thought for my three beautiful children who are the loves of my life. Our lives have been difficult in recent times, some of you will know what I mean, others will just have to wonder, but I also ache for them, because their father is still alive, but has chosen not to have anything to do with them. They may be 20,18 & 15, but that doesn't mean that on these special days, their pain is no more real than mine. I just received a lovely text message from my daughter, wishing me a Happy Father's Day. It made me smile and love her even more. This man, this virtual sperm donor, who had decided that his current wife is so much more important that his responsibility to his children, receives my contempt. I do not regret the marriage, how could I? I would not have my kids, but I regret you never letting me know the real you, and only now have I come to realise that you play a part for whoever is in your life. Now you are this Furry even Furrier character who thinks his shit doesn't stink, that he has no responsibilities except that rat face Purple Goddess. Have a happy sperm donor day!

Dad, I miss you heaps, love you always! I am coming down today to visit you, to visit Mum. I know you both taught John and I that going to the cemetery means any more than us thinking of you both every day, but today I didn't want your grave to be empty. I hate going there, always have, but today I go alone and I hate it even more