I'm Lost

At the moment I have lost direction. So much has changed in my life, so little is the same that I am lost as to where I need to be. This is quite unsettling.

I have found that my usual coping mechanisms have failed me, failed me in a big way, and that in it's self has caused me more grief. I am a highly intelligent woman and yet over the last couple of months I have been someone that I would not recognise. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognise me. I look into my eyes and I don't see me................because I don't know who I am any more. I am completely lost, without direction, floating on the currents of life.

It has been difficult to maintain some sort of normality in my life over the last couple of years, I am a creature of habit, it gives me security to be able to know what is coming next, but in the last eight years, each year has been different from the one before it. I so desperately crave a routine, a rhythm to my life, something that will give me the stability to believe, the courage to trust, the knowledge that things are going to be ok.

I am with people and I come home exhausted, tired of making sure that I am who they expect me to be, when actually all I want to do is run away, be alone and cry. I have cried as a child cries when it's mother leaves it. I cry and I cry and I cry. And there are no loving arms wrapped around me to hold me through the terrors that my mind and my heart bring into existence. No whispering in my ear that it will be ok, that I will be ok. There is no whisper that I have the power to change this, only the internal voices in my head, doubting me, yelling at me, showing me the photos of what had been and what should be.

I am lost