TOO FORGIVING

I have come to realise that I am too forgiving for my own good.

My whole life I have lived the adage that life is too short to hold grudges, so I have moved on and forgiven; and now I realise that this has been to MY detriment.

I truly believe that life is too short to hold grudges, oh I have remembered the things that people have done, but being gullible, I believed the words that came out of their mouths and forgave and wrapped my arms around them and moved on as if nothing had happened. Went back to life as it was as if, as if there hadn't been a scratch against my soul; but there was a scratch, and sometimes there was a gash, and most times the other person doesn't realise they have left their mark.

My capacity for forgiveness, to always see the good in people can be an asset, it allows people a chance to rectify and change, however my capacity for forgiveness is also a deficit, and that deficit is to me. I have, over the years, had several reasons to hate someone, to seek revenge on them, to pay back and hurt as much as they hurt me, but I didn't, and that has backfired on me hugely. I am not a vengeful person, I never have been. Oh I have layed in bed late and night coming up with little plans of getting back at someone, but I have never put those into place, I couldn't really be bothered, I couldn't really give them the satisfaction. However, over the last couple of months, my hurt has been so great that I have become someone, I don't recognise and have said many things to lash out and hurt, those things have scratched at souls too, however others capacity for forgiveness isn't the same as mine and so where does that leave me?

That leaves me with wondering why I am so forgiving. Oh I have my ideas, and the pages of my past have something to do with that, but a lot of what we do, a lot of what we say comes upon us subconsciously, and we are not even aware that the pages of our past are having an impact on the pages of our present and our future.

I try to be fair, I look at things from both sides of the coin, that has been my undoing at times as well. I can understand why someone does what they do, I can see a reason why someone may react in a certain way, and forgive them, but I also expect people to treat me in the same way and to the same standard that I expect and treat them. We are humans, with failings, sometimes many failings, and sometimes we love those people even more to show them that they are worth it, but then, they think that they can run with that gift, they think it becomes an entitlement, and drop the ball and forget, interactions between people, interactions between parents and children, brothers and sisters, men and women, men and men and women and women, needs both parties to maintain that relationship.

In the last couple of months, particularly, I have raged; I have raged like I have never raged before. I have yelled and screamed and yelled and screamed and cried and cried and cried until I have no energy left, and I am a messy pile on the floor, tired, exhausted, spent, with my beautiful little dog laying next to me, because, and it is a cliche, dogs love you no matter what. I have realised that I have a ball anger sitting in the pit of my stomach, the result of many things, but none the less it is there, burning and eating away at me, causing me to react in ways I never thought I would. It has probably changed my capacity for understanding, for forgiveness, for change, for happiness, but that ball has been one of my constant companions.

I have been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is taking me some time to get through it because it touches my soul, Elizabeth has been inside my heart and my soul. This is one of the passages that touched me:
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy..........They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me. Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now.....................They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite, but relentless and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be be happy that I know of..............It's not fair for you to come here, I tell Depression...........But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."

I forgave you the scratches, I forgave you the slashes, but when I told you about them, your scratches and slashes were bigger than mine, your capacity for forgiveness was not the same as mine and Loneliness and Depression are now friends of forgiveness.

I NEED A HERO

I need a hero! I need someone who will stand up next to me and catch me whilst I am falling. I need my hero to come and wrap their arms around me and hold me up to face all the stuff I am facing. I need them to fly up and catch me as I fall from that 300 story building. I need them to put up the dome of protection, around me, to stop, just for a while, the barrage that seems to be my every day companion. I need for my hero to shoot out webs of steal to hold back the pain and misery I am going through. I need my hero to tell me that it's going to be ok, that I am going to be ok and hold me gently so I can cry and feel safe. I don't feel safe. I have no safety net at the moment, I used to always know there was a safety net for me, something that helped me to cope with whatever life was throwing at me, and I have coped with many things, but I am not coping now; that's why I need a hero and yet as I read this, I am angry with myself for not being able to cope, for letting all of this and then some eat away and attack my very soul and being. I hate being this pathetic person, I hate who I am, I hate that I am so sad and angry and frustrated; but none the less, I need a Hero. Mum, Dad, I am trying to be the strong independent woman that you raised, I am trying to be like you in the tough times, but I'm failing miserably. I feel like I am letting you down; but none the less I need a hero.

Not taking it lying down

I am not going to take any more of your bullshit. I am not going to let you tell others lies about me, or fabricate things to make me look bad. I have had to put up with you telling lies about me for years, lies that you thought would never get back to me, but you have to have a good memory to be a good liar, because you need to remember every lie you ever told.

I have sat and allowed you to lie to your friends that I refused to allow you to have access to our children; LIE, shall we go into the real reason? You have lied about Shaun to the authorities, and questioned his integrity with our children. You could have even made it difficult for him to have access to his own children, but you couldn't care less about that, it was just about your ego and payback. You lied to our children telling them that if he moved in, they would get nothing when I died; you set up negative feelings in Elliott about Shaun, happy that it not only caused grief between Elliott and Shaun but grief for me.

You have allowed the mother of your children to be called a gutter whore, but that is nothing compared to what you have said about me and what you would like to happen to me involving me in a gutter and men wanking.

You forced a situation to happen, that caused no amount of grief for our children and myself, when you wanted to get married and wanted 'the clan' to be together for the occasion. All the decisions you have made have been about what is best for you with no consideration for others and now the consequences are happening. You went to the Police and lied to them about closing the case, just to protect others and none of them were your own, your own that you had the only obligation to protect.

Well let me tell you something, publicly, if you work, regardless of what country you work in, Rhyss, Rhyarna and Elliott are still your children and you still have a responsibility towards financially supporting them. You can lie to whoever you like about your employment, you can lie to your friends about me, just to make yourself feel better, but here it is in the BLACK AND WHITE that you are so fond of:-

I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL PUNCHING BAG, NOR AM I A PUNCHING BAG FOR THAT FLEA YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE A BED WITH; I AM ENTITLED TO HAVE OUR CHILDREN FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED UNTIL THEY ARE 18 YEARS OF AGE; I DO NOT GIVE TWO FLYING FUCKS WHAT THE PURPLE GODDESS HAS TO SAY ABOUT ME IN HER BLOG, BECAUSE IT IS ALL LIES, AND A WARPED SENSE OF REALITY; AND FOR THE RECORD EBAY BABY, MY SUBURB IS IN THE NORTH, NOT THE WEST, SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO HURL INSULTS GET THEM RIGHT.

An intense Sadness`

How to shut off a mind and a heart. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am sad and melancholy and lost all my strength. Where are you?

Can I now move on?

I finally heard the words that I have half been expecting, but that didn't make it any easier.

When you receive confirmation of what you have feared, what you have believed in your heart for a long time, the reaction is not less, the pain is no less painful, you can physically feel your heart stop beating, you can hear the blood rushing through your ears, deafening you to what you have just heard and don't want to hear again. The hairs on your skin stand simultaneously upright, causing physical pain, your breathing begins to go fast and then you feel that you are not breathing at all and that your lungs are going to explode out of your chest. A myriad of memories rush through your brain, into your third eye where you see all the times that you hold dear, and this is all within a nano second of hearing the words.

And where do you go from there? I don't know where I am at the moment, I can't tell you, some sort of limbo world between pain and disbelief. And now I am on another journey, and I don't have a Melways for this one.

Fuck this rollercoaster I want to get off!

My life is a roller coaster and I want.............I need to get off.

Yesterday I was so happy, so high on the fact that I had really achieved what I wanted and tonight I have bottomed out big time.

The sperm donor is going overseas tomorrow, apparently FOREVER. I learned today that, after 8 months of no contact, my youngest saw his father today. Now it's not that I have an issue with him seeing S.D., regardless of what he has done, he is still their father and they need to make those decisions themselves and whether I like it or not, I support those decisions.

However, and this is completely selfish of me I know, but how come he can be forgiven and I pay every day? I love all my children equally, but he was my baby and the one that I spent the most time alone with. We had a wonderful relationship, we would sit for hours watching Mary Poppins and Hook, over and over and over; and because I knew he was my last, I relished every single moment with him. But due to life circumstances, he has gone and I fear he has gone forever. There is not a day goes by that I feel that I have let this child down big time and he lets me know about it, every single day. I will do whatever I have to, to help him try and find peace and contentment, I will never give up, but bloody hell, I am really really tired.

I am tired of apologising for things that I have said in anger, out of hurt, things that I shouldn't have said and am furious with myself for saying them, for wanting to get back and hurting you as much as you have hurt me. But I can't keep spending the rest of my life trying to make up for them. At some stage you need to forgive me and move or not, but punishment every day is not going to work"

I wish I could get into a time machine and change things, change a thousand and one things, but I can't, all I can tell you is that I love you and I'm sorry.

Not as I imagined.

Well I am finally registered, I AM an enrolled nurse.

It was one of my careers of choice when I was younger to be a nurse, but two things stopped me. One, I didn't like the sight of blood and two I was hopeless at Maths and Science. But three days shy of my 47th birthday I have achieved it.

I wish my Mum and Dad were here to see it, I wish I knew if they would be proud of me for making this choice. I know you can say that they are looking down and would be proud, but it's not tangible, you never really know.

"I wish I could share this moment with you. I wish we were together to celebrate, to have a drink and I hear you tell me that you are so proud of the way I have struggled over the last year to get where I am. I wish you were here to go out for a celebratory dinner, go out and have some fun and smile and laugh like we used to, but like most things, that choice has been taken out of my hands; and there is no amount of longing that will change that, there is no amount of crying that will change that, the decision was made whether I liked it or not, no discussion entered into it, because I was never going to have a choice"

And so now another new volume in my life. The first page is written.........'Held Papou's willy down so that he would pee into the toilet and not all over me. Wiped the smallest, mushiest bit of poo off his bum, pulled up his pants and took him for lunch where I Meal assisted this legally blind Greek man' This gorgeous man, who can't see, sat on the toilet and held my hand tightly. It is the first time that someone has held my hand for months. He held it firmly and yet gently, he gave ME something today and he didn't even realise it. These are the moments that make the job of nursing so rewarding. Yeah ok, we are talking about body fluids, but we are also talking about an intimacy that is shared with someone, someone who is relying on you to guide their willy, wipe their bum, and then hold your hand and allow you to assist them to find the food on their plate so they can lift the fork up and feed themselves. I am blessed, I have met and I know I WILL meet some wonderful people in my career and I know that they will leave little notches in my soul AND I hope that I will make a mark on their lives, that they will remember my kindness and my caring not only for them, but for those family and friends that also needed it.

I AM A BLOODY NURSE