I'm Lost

At the moment I have lost direction. So much has changed in my life, so little is the same that I am lost as to where I need to be. This is quite unsettling.

I have found that my usual coping mechanisms have failed me, failed me in a big way, and that in it's self has caused me more grief. I am a highly intelligent woman and yet over the last couple of months I have been someone that I would not recognise. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognise me. I look into my eyes and I don't see me................because I don't know who I am any more. I am completely lost, without direction, floating on the currents of life.

It has been difficult to maintain some sort of normality in my life over the last couple of years, I am a creature of habit, it gives me security to be able to know what is coming next, but in the last eight years, each year has been different from the one before it. I so desperately crave a routine, a rhythm to my life, something that will give me the stability to believe, the courage to trust, the knowledge that things are going to be ok.

I am with people and I come home exhausted, tired of making sure that I am who they expect me to be, when actually all I want to do is run away, be alone and cry. I have cried as a child cries when it's mother leaves it. I cry and I cry and I cry. And there are no loving arms wrapped around me to hold me through the terrors that my mind and my heart bring into existence. No whispering in my ear that it will be ok, that I will be ok. There is no whisper that I have the power to change this, only the internal voices in my head, doubting me, yelling at me, showing me the photos of what had been and what should be.

I am lost

Life Changing Moments

SOMETIMES LIFE CHANGES THAT FAST THAT WE ARE UNSURE OR DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.

IT MAY BE A SINGLE CHANGE OR IT MAY BE A RUSH OF CHANGES THAT OUR HEART, OUR HEAD AND OUR INTELLIGENCE CAN NOT COPE WITH.

IT IS IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WE DO NOT ALWAYS REACT THE WAY OTHERS ANTICIPATE, OR NEED AND WANT US TO, BUT NON THE LESS, WHEN WE ARE BORN, A GUIDE BOOK DOES NOT POP OUT TO ASSIST US ALONG THE AWAY.

THOSE THAT EXPECT OUR REACTIONS TO BE HOW THEY WANT THEM, OR THOSE OF US THAT EXPECT REACTIONS FROM OTHERS TO BE AS WE WANT THEM, NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THAT BLOODY BOOK DOES NOT COME WITH US.

THE INTIMACY OF A RELATIONSHIP

One of the very special things between a couple is the intimacy of that relationship. Now I am not talking about the sexual intimacy, although that is ALSO a very special part of a relationship, but I am talking about all the little things that can happen between a man and a woman; and ok to be PC (politically correct) a woman and a woman or a man and a man, and it's not until you no longer have access to that in your life that you realise just how important those things are.

For each couple the LIT (little intimate things), will be as many as there are 100's and 1000's in the jar, and for some couples there may be none. For those where there are none, I hate to tell you, but in my humble opinion, you need to get some and NOW! I don't mean kissing in public or anything that may make you uncomfortable, but I have learned from bitter experience that once the LIT are gone from a relationship, it is doomed, unless you shine the light back on them to recapture the magic.

LIT can be simply placing your hand on your partner's arm as you put their plate on the table, put their electric blanket on, buying the latest copy of their favorite magazine, doing something that they really enjoy, but you hate, and you say nothing unless it's with a smile on your face and in your voice (ok that may be a big one, but if you are doing it every now and then, isn't it just the point that you are spending time together?), it can be running a bath with candles, it can be sending a text, it can be lying with your head in their lap as they read or watch tv, it can be holding their hand, it can be touching their arse (not sexually, but sensually, just touching), it can be doing something that they least expect you to do like hang out the washing, cook a meal, take the rubbish out, put petrol in the car, something that is usually your job, or their job. It can be kissing their closed eye lids, it can be waking up in the morning looking like the wreck of the Hespress and telling them that they look gorgeous.

All these and millions more are the string, glue and tacks that hold a relationship together. They are what make the downs bearable, the hardships acceptable, the arguements nothing, they are what makes forgiveness the power to heal, to understand.
I can't remember there being many LIT in my marriage, in fact it was the fact that my ex husband forgot a very important LIT that I realised that my marriage was in trouble and six weeks later on his 40th birthday I realised it was over unless we started to put a lot of work into it. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't my fault; per se, it was life, being busy with life and house and life and work and life and kids and we forgot to focus on us as a couple. In my second relationship, the LIT were dominant in our relationship. It wasn't a conscious decision, they were things that we realised we needed in relationships to keep them going, grease the road, make each other feel valued and important. The very first thing he ever did for me was to cook dinner at his place after work whilst I layed back in the hot bath he had run for me, in a bathroom full of candles and a glass of wine in my hand, whilst we both asked each other about our days, listened to each other, commented and processed. It didn't always end up in bed making love, it didn't have to, but the foreplay was brilliant ;-)

Anyway, for those that are in relationships, good and bad, think about the LIT or lack thereof; if this prompts you to create more in your relationship because they are missing then I am glad, when you don't have them anymore, their absence is palpable.

AS IF.........

Dance as though no one were watching............


How easy is this to do? It doesn't matter where life's journey has taken us, doesn't matter if we have managed to jump the hurdle, or fallen head first down Alice's hole to Wonderland, coming up battered and bruised; it is easy to dance as though no one is watching. Sure, we may be a little embarrassed, sure we may be a little tipsy or hell, we may not just give a damn, but we can dance as though no one were watching.

Sing as though no one were listening.................

How easy is this to do? You could be as flat a spider on my wall after being smashed by a magazine, you could be tone deaf, you could ruin a song until it was unrecognizable, but this is still an easy thing to do. Sure we may sing with great gusto with a group of people, say at church or singing the National Anthem at a sporting event, because hey, who is going to hear us in a huge group of people (well not including those in your immediate vicinity lol who are trying to look discretely around to see where the cat-a-wailing is coming from; we can almost reach that high note that Celine does in Titanic and get a mouth full of shower water, because hey, that is our own personal recording studio, but we can sing as though no one were listening.

Live every day as if it were your last.................

How easy is this to do? It is easy to fill our time, our days with things to do, because there are a million things to do that can fill a void. You can sleep, you can drink, you can eat, you can run, you can picnic, you can fly, you can shout, you can help, you can drive, you can watch, you can do just about anything your imagination can think of and then some. Sure there may be time constraints, financial constraints, physical constraints, emotional constraints, but we can live every day as if it were our last.

Love as if you have never been hurt................

How easy is this to do? Out of all of them, this is the one that is almost impossible to achieve. How do you put aside the hurt of someone who you allowed into the darkest, quietest parts of your life? How do you learn to trust someone else with your heart, a heart that is already fragile or shattered, being held together with tape of time, that doesn't look as if it is going to last the distance. Sure you may have feelings for another person, sure you may allow them to know you, but the hurt will stop you from allowing them to see the warts and all you, because you are never going to go back there.

And the reason why this is so hard to do, so hard, that it is an almost impossible thing to do is because all of the others are physical, they are momentarily. Sure you can dance for five minutes and pretend you are happy, you can sing at the top of your voice for three minutes, you can go through the motions of living, because they are all things that you can project to the world, but loving as if you have never been hurt, is an emotional thing, a thing that you know, that your head knows, that your heart knows, that every fibre in your being knows making it impossible to love as if you have never been hurt.

I have thought of one final one, that should be added to this Irish saying.........

Die as if you were living........

ALONE IN A SEA OF PEOPLE

Have you ever noticed, when the chips are down and life is throwing you those curve balls, as it is apt to do, that it doesn't matter how many people are around supporting you, you still feel extremely alone?

I have been blessed to have met and been supported by girlfriends, who have stood by me and supported me and my kids,(stick that phrase up your arse PG) never judging, ready with a cup of tea, a hug, and an ear, and yet there is always a part of ourselves that we can't share. We are ultimately alone, in a sea of people.

It is very rare, that we ever, in a lifetime meet someone that we are completely open with; many of us are raw with emotions, scarred by events, that we are too vulnerable to share with others, unless we are blessed to find that one person who seems to be able to see into our soul and understand the scratches and healing on our spirit. If you are lucky to find that, and I believe that some people do, and then it is lost, all the scars, all the wounds, all the emotions, all the pain, all the hurt is twofold, and you are left wondering about your own stupidity in trusting another person with your inner most thoughts and feelings; and once again you are alone in a sea of people.

The purpose of this blog is for me to sort things out in my mind, my heart and my soul. I am sharing an inner piece of me, things about me that you might not know, but none the less they are my things to sort out. Your support and comments are welcome, your judgement not. I have had a very difficult 8 years, my emotions have not stopped for 8 years, possibly a bit longer, and now I need to find me, because I am no longer a daughter, I am no longer a lover, I am no longer the mother of little children, I am starting on another new road, alone in a sea of people, and I am scared stiff

FATHERS DAY

Today is the second year without Dad, and my first year alone.

I don't think people fully understand why my father dying has left me feeling so alone, so empty. Now I am an orphan, funny word to use at my age, but the truth none the less, I am the oldest in my family, and things that used to be so right are no longer right. I lost the one man who loved me unconditionally and who I knew would be there for me always, no matter what.

I used to go on family picnics on both Mothers and Fathers Day with my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins, but now, it just seems so hard to be sitting there wishing that Dad was there like he used to be. There seems to be a void where he should be, but he is not. When the wind blows through the trees, I can hear his laughter, his argumentative manner and I can imagine his smile.

In the last couple of weeks when I graduated as a nurse and got my job, the first thing I thought was that I was going to ring Dad...............I hadn't thought that for a while, and the emptiness when I remembered that it was going to be a bloody long, long, long distance phone call, caused physical pain in my chest. Dad never knew that I was leaving the council, my redundancy all happened when he was in Palliative Care; I didn't want him to worry about me, which I know he would have. He never knew that I was going to go back to school and become a nurse, he never knew that after watching the care he received, I realised that I wanted to be a Palliative Care nurse and repay the kindness that was shown to him and us.

And this is my first Father's Day alone, not part of a couple. The emptiness is two fold, I am part of no Father's Day. I didn't get to wake up with all the hoop la that is bestowed onto a man on the morning of fathers day. I didn't wake up and look into the eyes of the man I love, wishing him a wonderful day. It is so lonely.

However, I also have a thought for my three beautiful children who are the loves of my life. Our lives have been difficult in recent times, some of you will know what I mean, others will just have to wonder, but I also ache for them, because their father is still alive, but has chosen not to have anything to do with them. They may be 20,18 & 15, but that doesn't mean that on these special days, their pain is no more real than mine. I just received a lovely text message from my daughter, wishing me a Happy Father's Day. It made me smile and love her even more. This man, this virtual sperm donor, who had decided that his current wife is so much more important that his responsibility to his children, receives my contempt. I do not regret the marriage, how could I? I would not have my kids, but I regret you never letting me know the real you, and only now have I come to realise that you play a part for whoever is in your life. Now you are this Furry even Furrier character who thinks his shit doesn't stink, that he has no responsibilities except that rat face Purple Goddess. Have a happy sperm donor day!

Dad, I miss you heaps, love you always! I am coming down today to visit you, to visit Mum. I know you both taught John and I that going to the cemetery means any more than us thinking of you both every day, but today I didn't want your grave to be empty. I hate going there, always have, but today I go alone and I hate it even more

A Momment In Time-September 1993

There are, clearly times in our lives that become quite definitive;some take us down positive tracks, others down a negative track, which can be harder to get off.

In the last 17 years in particular, there have been many defining moments; some I feel I handled well, others I did not, but then who does? The death of my mother, after a 10 day battle with cancer was like a slap in the face with a wet tuna. How could she be gone? How could she be here one minute and not the next? Where did she go? How was I going to go on with out her in my life? Without our daily phone calls? Without our weekly shopping trips? How was I going to build a house, move away and do it all with two small children, who were lost as to where their beloved Nanny had gone.

In the years after her death, I have come to realise, that my mother's dying allowed me to have the courage to make decisions that I would not have made had she still been here; however that is another moment in time!

We were building a new house, owner building non the least, travelling up and down the highway with two small kids in tow, over seeing the sub contractors, running around for building materials, insulation, plaster moulds and fittings. How did I do it? I know not, because that time to me is very fuzzy. I think I was simply running on adrenaline, running away from my feelings, so that I wouldn't have to feel the same things that I could see etched on my father's face. My mother's death probably effected him the most. To hear him down in the garage, crying, so my brother and I wouldn't see him, wouldn't see his weakness, broke my heart and I realised how much my father truely loved my mother, even after all those years, even after all those fights, they loved one another.

And so 17th September 1993 became a defining moment in my life, yet I did not realise what a profound effect it would eventually have on me, on my children, on my brother and father for years to come. I needed to travel a path, but which one to take?