FAREWELL

The time has come to move on, please follow me at
ameanderthroughthejungle.blogspot.com

A SINGLE TEAR DROP

Today, I watched a single tear drop.


It wasn't there and then..........it slowly appeared, in the corner of the eye, like a translucent bubble, until it could no longer be held back and it's journey began.

A single tear drop, sitting where it fell, not quite ready, full of sense, full of being, small and round and perfect and yet why exist?

Today I watched a single tear drop fall...............on millions of faces around the world and unite to wash away the pain and rejoice in what has since become.
9/11

RE EVALUATING

And so, after a short period time I am finding that I have to re evaluate where I thought I was heading. Not a nice head space to be in, not after floating on clouds, not after feeling like a teenager on her first journey of love, not after crashing to the ground with a thud.

But it is imperative, before I go further, that I qualify this period in my life. It really is a matter of timing, no one is at fault. It is not my place to go into why the timing was wrong in such a public forum, and even though I am hurt by it, I totally understand why it is the wrong time; it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Part of the problem is that when you discover someone who seems to understand your innerself without you having to explain it, who makes you feel safe after such a long time of not feeling safe, who sort of bosses you around, after such a long time where you have had to be in control, the motivator, doing it all, no one to count on, it is hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry with yourself for allowing someone into that space of vulnability. This was not a matter of choice on either side, it happened, it was like an invisible trail of smoke that seemed to work it's way into, around, onto, about and through the situation without anyone being aware of it happening before it was too late, and now, as quickly as that invisible trail found it's way to us, it tightened and pulled apart the two bodies that it had silently wrapped it's tendrils around. I just re read this paragraph, and I don't want anyone to think that the term 'bosses' means anything negative, far from it. Those that know me well, who know the journey of the last nine years, will know how much I have had to deal with, been in control of, sort out, organise, be, have, do, arrange, and to have someone come to me and say hey would you like to do this with me? It's a nice change.

Anyway, this isn't just about that, a change is coming within my family. One that I also cannot go into publicly however it is one that I am facing earlier than I expected, one that I am nervous, scared and worried about, but know that this is probably a positive move, even though it feels so hard to accept. Again, it is out of my control as such, that is the hard enough feeling to deal with, but to deal with alone, friends aside, to deal with it without arms holding me as I voice my fears, well you know, those of you with a significant other, will understand I am sure. But I am going to look at this change in a positive light (I hope), and I know at this stage, that it is not forever, (I hope) and will deal with it (I hope).

And so I live in hope........, even though I perfer things to be more concrete, I live in hope that a journey can be restarted, that by accepting my family situation, I am making the right move, but most of all, I hope I can just keep moving forward.............that silent tendril of smoke has such a strong pull at times.

Back to the Future.........without the De Lorean

It moved past and beyond and I didn't even see it, I didn't even feel it, I almost didn't know it. It happened so quick and yet it took forever to ripen, to come to fruition, to be acknowledged, to know, to feel.
It moved out of one realm and into another, it was like a whisper of smoke moving with the slight breeze, wrapping it's tendrils around the both of us, gently whispering, gently touching, gentle recognition of something that was growing, becoming real as each moment passed, until it was almost too big to ignore any longer.
It was based on friendship, shared early years, shared early memories, laughter, joy, 'remember whens?', dinner and talk and chat and laughter. It came out of no where and yet it come from another time; another time of innocence, a shared time, a shared memories of teachers and kids and events.
It came from hard times, difficult times, emotional times, unknown times, unshared times, and yet it came from gentle times, heartfelt times, understanding times, together times, shared-apart times.
It happened in a blink of an eye, without a thought, within a thought, as if it might never happen and yet as if was meant to happen and we weren't aware that it was, but somehow it was pre ordained, as if even then we were supposed to know, to grasp what was to be expected of us, and yet how could we know, understand, see?

Perhaps, it shouldn't be questioned at all, perhaps it was written in the stars, long ago, by scribes of time long past, who wandered this earth in gowns that kissed the earth, and white wiry beards that evidenced their wisdom and knowledge, who lived in dark spaces, lit only by candles, filled with large old books full of words of wisdom from ancestors telling their stories and passing on magical words that gave others wonderment, and fear and awe. Perhaps we just need to get back to the future Doc

WHERE HAS THE MONTH GONE?

It has been just over a month since my last blog, I just don't know where the time has gone. In that month, Gibbzy is in a new home, Kaz's mum has had a few health issues, Kez has been in Malta, Easter has happened, Anzac day has happened and I have started at MAPU.

It is truly amazing when you are writing a blog to look back and see how you were feeling at a particular time, and I know that I have been very open and honest about a lot of my feelings over the last year and a half and to all those wonderful people who have simply read, supported and loved me all the same, thank you. There are definately times in your life when you just need to off load whatever it is that is going around and around in your head and heart and that which is also so very capable of driving you insane, or perhaps to do things that you shouldn't.

Emotionally I feel that I am in a much better place. I am loving my work, it is rapid and dynamic and my head is swimming every day with new information and things to learn. My scuba diving course is still there, bubbling away, I haven't had the opportunity to concentrate on the study yet and I want to be able to give that my full attention so at this stage, it appears that June may be the big month.



As I am finding out about my life, it took another turn, virtually out of my hands as was the diving when I asked a friend, Greg to give me a quote to convert the study to a room. This had long been an idea, somewhere to scrap and another bedroom for staying over guests. I got the quote and he said, 'I can do it on Wednesday', hmmm well what is a girl to do? But say yes, so something that I had been ummming and ahhhing over was coming to fruition. (Can I tell you the state of the house is driving me insane, everything is everywhere, but my study, my retreat is looking beautiful and I will always remember that Elliott laboured to help make it happen.

I also revisited my past, I had been invited by Greg to go to Lake Eppalock. I used to camp there many years ago with my Mum and Dad and brother. It was always a pleasant memory in the background, the first place I caught a fish, the first place I skinny dipped, a place I always felt at peace. I was invited back over Easter, the lake now full of water. It was amazing, it felt like coming home, I can't explain how I felt, how my heart felt sitting out in the sunshine, the crisp cold air turning my breath to steam, watching the steam lift from the still, oh so very still lake and hear the birds talking in many languages, languages that only they could understand. The gum trees, the blue skies, the sound of the boats tearing up the lake, the colour of the water, the smell of the open fires, the laughter of children, the sound of 'Yeah she'll be right' as the tractor drove past readying for the race happening in the next week. The coffee in the mug in my hands was heating my hands, the caffeine kicking in and waking my sleepy eyes. The smell of bacon wafted up from my plate, something I am always greatful for is a cooked meal that I don't have to worry about. The quartz white rocks and the thousands upon thousands of leaves that scattered on the ground as if a new exotic shag pile carpet recently put down. Yes I felt I had come home.

I have also touched base with Chris. Chris and I went to primary school together, we were in grade 2 and 4 together, not best friends, because what girl and boy is best friends in primary school? But it has been truly amazing learning about the adults we have become, laugh about the mutual people we remember, giggle at the people we didn't remember, and just discover a new wonderful friendship that was never expected by either of us, but has become very precious to both of us. How is it that you can have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and just click together, without it being what most people expect to happen between the opposite sexes? We are comfortable with each other, a lovely friendship over coffee, over dinner, over the phone, arguing, teasing, pushing, questioning, but I am so sad to say that he is.............a Collingwood supporter. That in it's self has meant that I have had to push aside a lot of feelings about the black and white, and discover the man beneath the stripes.

It has been a fantastic month, wonderful, challenging, social, and May is going to be even bigger, spending time with my girls, scrapping, laughing, drinking, crying, hugging and just being.

BRING ON MAY!!!!!

What Have I Done?

Last Friday, I took the step off the edge into the unknown............Definitely the unknown. You see I went and booked a place in an open water Scuba Diving course.

Why? It had not been on my radar before; sure I had done a reef dive on the Great Barrier Reef about 20 years ago and thought it was wonderful, but SD (scuba diving) was not something that I had on my to do list until.............I met someone who SD and we spoke about it, then I discovered that one of the nurses that I work with, also SD and we spoke about it. Funnily enough I received two emails offering me cut price scuba diving and the final straw was when I was sitting in traffic and a large van for a SD company pulled up beside me at the lights. Ok, so maybe the ethos was telling me something and I should be listening. I started doing a little research, but still had several questions.

I realised that yes it was something that I would like to try, so decided to get a little fitter and then book in later in the year........Ummmmmm nope Ethos had another plan. A dive store that was known to a friend was moving and they were having a grand opening sale with 10% off. Ok, maybe this was moving a little faster than I thought it was. Images of that huge deep sea octopus hiding in a long ago sunken ship started bursting through the little grey cells of my brain. Ok slow down breathing, mentally push that over the cliff, they only exist in movies. Breathing returns to normal, able to think straight.

Ethos speaks again

It just so happened that the night before the G.O. sale, I was heading down that way to visit a girlfriend who lives there. Hmmmmm, well I will just drop in and see them and speak to them about my thoughts, concerns and wonders and see how I go. Peter was delightful, encouraging, supportive and answered everyone of my silly questions which then meant I had to book the course because the giant octopus doesn't exist where I will be going and the world that I will be visiting looks inviting and challenging, and opening and full of wonderment. The dive fraternity also appears to be a way of meeting new friends, new people and they even have dive holidays interstate and overseas which they go to as a group. I find this a supportive way of diving somewhere else but with people that you trust. I am considering doing a dive next year in Thailand, even if SD isn't my passion, it will allow me to do new things and diving overseas can definitely go on the bucket list.

So where am I today? I have this massive theory book that I have to get through, then a theory class. I have two closed dive sessions and I believe two open water dive sessions. I know my heart will be palpitating, but isn't this what life is about? I am now doing what I thought I would be once my kids started being independent and building their own lives; I am living my life to the best of my ability, discovering new things, trying new things and loving it

Not as I wanted, but it is what I want

Ok, so the title sounds a bit like an oximoron I know, but not really.

It is March 2011 and I am not where I thought I was going to be, and perhaps that was part of the problem, but I am where I want to be for this moment in my life.

I am letting go of expectations, mine, yours, theirs and I am doing and living how I want to live my life. Some under estimated my resolve and at the same time over estimated my patience.

I am finally throwing off the shackles of being where everyone expects me to be and who everyone expects me to be, let me give you and example. Yesterday I went to the Japanese Bath House, this entailed me getting naked in front of people I don't know and bathing and cleansing in front of those people. Now the thought of a 47 year old woman doing this could possibly sent some of my friends running quickly for a white jacket for me, but NO I haven't lost my mind, NO I am not having a mid life crisis, since this would denigrate a long generational tradition from a country where this is a regular and acceptable way of life for those of any age, but I had an enjoyable afternoon, enjoying the tradition of another country and feeling very relaxed, and well........naughty.

I have set myself a health goal and when I achieve it I have promised myself a treat. Now I am not going to say what it is, the goal or the treat, that will come in a later post when I achieve what I want, but it will be another thing that some people may be shocked about, but hey, is life not about living? Why is it that only teenagers get to push the boundaries to see how far they can go? I think it weird that a woman who is 63 just gave birth to a baby, she wouldn't, I would but at the end of the day, that is her choice, not mine but hers.

I am enjoying my time on this planet, I don't know how long I am going to be here for, but it is going to be a bloody enjoyable time.