What Have I Done?

Last Friday, I took the step off the edge into the unknown............Definitely the unknown. You see I went and booked a place in an open water Scuba Diving course.

Why? It had not been on my radar before; sure I had done a reef dive on the Great Barrier Reef about 20 years ago and thought it was wonderful, but SD (scuba diving) was not something that I had on my to do list until.............I met someone who SD and we spoke about it, then I discovered that one of the nurses that I work with, also SD and we spoke about it. Funnily enough I received two emails offering me cut price scuba diving and the final straw was when I was sitting in traffic and a large van for a SD company pulled up beside me at the lights. Ok, so maybe the ethos was telling me something and I should be listening. I started doing a little research, but still had several questions.

I realised that yes it was something that I would like to try, so decided to get a little fitter and then book in later in the year........Ummmmmm nope Ethos had another plan. A dive store that was known to a friend was moving and they were having a grand opening sale with 10% off. Ok, maybe this was moving a little faster than I thought it was. Images of that huge deep sea octopus hiding in a long ago sunken ship started bursting through the little grey cells of my brain. Ok slow down breathing, mentally push that over the cliff, they only exist in movies. Breathing returns to normal, able to think straight.

Ethos speaks again

It just so happened that the night before the G.O. sale, I was heading down that way to visit a girlfriend who lives there. Hmmmmm, well I will just drop in and see them and speak to them about my thoughts, concerns and wonders and see how I go. Peter was delightful, encouraging, supportive and answered everyone of my silly questions which then meant I had to book the course because the giant octopus doesn't exist where I will be going and the world that I will be visiting looks inviting and challenging, and opening and full of wonderment. The dive fraternity also appears to be a way of meeting new friends, new people and they even have dive holidays interstate and overseas which they go to as a group. I find this a supportive way of diving somewhere else but with people that you trust. I am considering doing a dive next year in Thailand, even if SD isn't my passion, it will allow me to do new things and diving overseas can definitely go on the bucket list.

So where am I today? I have this massive theory book that I have to get through, then a theory class. I have two closed dive sessions and I believe two open water dive sessions. I know my heart will be palpitating, but isn't this what life is about? I am now doing what I thought I would be once my kids started being independent and building their own lives; I am living my life to the best of my ability, discovering new things, trying new things and loving it

Not as I wanted, but it is what I want

Ok, so the title sounds a bit like an oximoron I know, but not really.

It is March 2011 and I am not where I thought I was going to be, and perhaps that was part of the problem, but I am where I want to be for this moment in my life.

I am letting go of expectations, mine, yours, theirs and I am doing and living how I want to live my life. Some under estimated my resolve and at the same time over estimated my patience.

I am finally throwing off the shackles of being where everyone expects me to be and who everyone expects me to be, let me give you and example. Yesterday I went to the Japanese Bath House, this entailed me getting naked in front of people I don't know and bathing and cleansing in front of those people. Now the thought of a 47 year old woman doing this could possibly sent some of my friends running quickly for a white jacket for me, but NO I haven't lost my mind, NO I am not having a mid life crisis, since this would denigrate a long generational tradition from a country where this is a regular and acceptable way of life for those of any age, but I had an enjoyable afternoon, enjoying the tradition of another country and feeling very relaxed, and well........naughty.

I have set myself a health goal and when I achieve it I have promised myself a treat. Now I am not going to say what it is, the goal or the treat, that will come in a later post when I achieve what I want, but it will be another thing that some people may be shocked about, but hey, is life not about living? Why is it that only teenagers get to push the boundaries to see how far they can go? I think it weird that a woman who is 63 just gave birth to a baby, she wouldn't, I would but at the end of the day, that is her choice, not mine but hers.

I am enjoying my time on this planet, I don't know how long I am going to be here for, but it is going to be a bloody enjoyable time.

In a good place

For the first time I can remember in years, I am in a good place.

I am feeling positive and looking forward to the future with a degree of certainty, confidence and belief.

There is still a lot of things that needs to be sorted, that will probably take some time to do, but I am finally feeling that I have taken control of life and I am now starting to direct where my life is going, not the other way around.

I know, that I am going to fall into pot holes along the way, I know there are things I don't want to face, however last week, I had a light bulb moment, a moment of clarity and understanding of what I needed to do for ME, and not others.

I have been able to do this with the love and support of my soul sister, my best friend, two friends who live far enough away, that their support is verbal, is love, is understanding, and a new friend, who is teaching me to live the life I deserve, no expectations, just gently pushing me outside my comfort zone to find the real me. I am considering doing the things that I never thought I would ever do, or even considered doing, but my bucket list has exploded, what to do, just not enough time in the day.

This is going to be a slowish process because I don't want to become manic as if I only have two minutes to live, but I am looking at and considering many things, some will come off, some won't but I will have explored and expanded my life experiences. I need to build up the stamina and emotional and mental fortitude to help me stay on this path, I need to say to hell with those who think that I have gone mad...............perhaps I have, but at the end of the day, this is MY life, based on my experiences and what I need and want to do, your choices will be different for just as many reasons, but I will respect that they are YOUR choices to make, just like mine are.

Regrets, I have a few, I wish I had dealt with things a little differently on some occasions, but I do not regret any of the major decisions that I have made that has lead me to where I am today.

Peace, love and harmony are now what I am looking for, contentment, excitement, wonder, joy, bliss...........yes, bliss, the bliss of secrets, the bliss of love, the bliss of touch, the bliss of sharing a dream, a journey, a moment, a laugh, a kiss, a time.

Fingers crossed, I AM on the road back, lets just see